So what is self-esteem - part II.

Liking what you look like is another part. And this is where we quite often get confused and off the rails. Because our thoughts of self-acceptance get caught up in all the hoo-haa of what the media and the fashion industry particularly say we should look like. They aren't infallible you know. They can be wrong, and they are wrong most of the time.

Let's look at magazines. If women's magazines, both nationally and internationally are for ALL women, then why don't we see women of all ages, women of all colour, women of all shapes and sizes, pictured within those magazines pages on a regular basis. That is in every issue. Not only the occasional "special" issue that highlights fashion for the plus-size. How often do you see a section dealing with older women's issues? Makeup, hints on subtle enhancements to make a woman feel special - without having to diet or consult a cosmetic surgeon for a facelift or breast implants? 

Why when speaking with editors or features journalists at leading women's magazines, are we told that "well, our readers don't want to see ageing bodies, or overweight women - they'll get offended". Excuse me! Who's offended? Surely if women of all ages, colours, shapes and sizes were seen to be typical and "natural" and included within the pages of magazines of this type, then we'd all see ourselves for who and what we are and feel good about ourselves! Isn't that what the magazine is supposed to be all about in the first place?

How do WE fit into society? Part II

We’ve invested weight with so many meanings 

that numbers on the scale have become a shorthand for self-worth

We’re told that:

“slenderness is not just beautiful - 

it proclaims that you’re feminine, self-disciplined, well-adjusted and sexy”

“fat, on the other hand, 

reveals that you’re sloppy and self-indulgent, out of control 

and out of the running as a sexual being”

It’s a disastrous combination.  Our ideal of thinness is unrealistic for most of the populations, yet we all buy the idea that there’s something seriously wrong with us if we deviate from it.

There is however, another value that we attach in overweight that may be even more powerful than a sense of sin.  We see fat as “low-class”.  Our culture equates slenderness with sexiness which in turn equates slenderness with being intelligent.   This is a frightening illusion but one that has been literally absorbed into the psyche of today’s society.   And in so doing we have all, to some extent, become discriminatory - the one thing that we abhor.

And who, in the main, keeps this body myth alive?  Women, yes, women.  There seems to be a clear connection between the gains women have made in the outside world - bringing confusing and conflicting choices about roles - and our growing hysteria about our own bodies.  It’s as if keeping the body on a  tight rein, or not letting our lapses show, is a way of reassuring ourselves and the world that our desires aren’t voracious, that our needs aren’t bottomless, that despite our own uncertainly, we are in control.

However, it’s not enough to understand this obsession intellectually.  The battle for self-acceptance involves unlearning a lot of entrenched ideas.  It also involves a lot of pain.

If you’re spent most of your life starving yourself without success, it hurts to recognise that all that deprivation was a waste.

That’s why a lot of women cling to the promise that thin equals happy.  In many cases they want dieting to be a magical way of becoming another person.

It takes great courage to accept yourself in a world that values thinness above all else.  The miracle is, that some people manage it.

You can too.  If that’s really what you want to do.

... Rose Davida, ‘Winston Hall’, Kent, UK

A matter of time!

As you have probably worked out, I have a vested interest in issues of "self-esteem", especially as they relate to women and children. In society today, discrimination based on looks even though it is not legal to do so, is sadly allowed, and no-one says anything about it - that is, except you and me.   The worst offenders are the media, and to a lesser extent most other professions.

How many women's magazines, both nationally and internationally, show women of a "certain age" (and by this I mean from 35 to 80) in glowing terms; in advertisements including fashion supplements? For that matter how many of these magazines show women of size in a positive or highly acceptable way? A favourite saying of mine is that women's magazines are supposedly published for ALL women - not just young women, not just slim women, not just "celebrity" women. ALL women. Women of all ages, and all shapes and sizes. But will the editors, features editors and women's pages editors listen to common sense? Unfortunately they are the victims too of highly questionable attitudes and ethics of their employers - so many of these editors have been literally "sacked" for having the audacity to show healthy women of around size 16 on the covers of these magazines. When questioned the spokespersons of these magazines have claimed their readers would be upset at seeing "fat" women within the pages of the magazines. This is downright ridiculous and discrminatory to the extreme, and should not be accepted.  By anyone, INCLUDING the women's magazines staff.

You only have to walk around your own shopping mall; get on the bus or train; look at your own family members and the women you see are definitely not all a size 6.   You'll see women of all ages and sizes and shapes. Do you personally see them as being "unacceptable" when compared to you? And why would you compare? Because each of us is unique - we are incomparable. We are one-offs; and no one can copy us. They may try to, but they won't succeed.

There is enough negativeness in our society already without allowing for inappropriate and unkind attitudes to take form and become "normal" as far as being different to each other, as far as looks are concerned.

We're all different, but it is the difference each of us possesses, that makes us similar.

It's "inappropriate attitudes" that should not be accepted, not our age or size or shape!

Changing your attitude!

You're a chronic dieter but you never seem to lose those last 10 (20 or 30) persistent kilos?    You've felt inexplicably depressed for the past two weeks and can't seem to pull yourself out of it?   You've been trying for three months to find a job, but nothing seems right?

If you fit any of these descriptions, or if other lingering problems have got you down, you probably need to change your tactics to find some solutions.

No matter what your problem, you can tackle it with a step by step formula that incorporates attitude and behaviour changes.

Step 1.   Define your problem, being as objective as possible.  Try to identify the circumstances and causes.  Measure its importance in the context of your life.

Step 2.  Accept your problem.  Admit that it exists, and that you've got to deal with it - now.

Step 3.  Break down your problem into manageable segments.  Divide it into pieces, and attack the easiest ones first.  As you whittle away at the problem you'll develop a sense of confidence that will carry you through to the end.

Step 4.  Establish a goal that will resolve your first problem segment.  Be as specific as possible, including a timeframe and the results you want, but keep your goals within reach.

Step 5.  Explore all possible plans of action.  Imagine how others might proceed and see if these methods suit you.  Go through each plan mentally, "trying each on for size", to find one that seems more comfortable and potentially effective.  Outline a "contract" (written or mental) with yourself to follow it through.  Include rewards to give yourself when you reach specific goals.

Step 6.  Take action.  Once you've found a plan you can accept, try it.  Stick with it until achieve your foal of until you reach the end of the timeframe you've set.

Step 7.  Review progress.  When you complete your first plan of action, take another look at your original problem.  Has it changed?  Do you feel differently about its important or how to want to resolve it?  Once you've re-examined the problem and staked out a new piece to tackle, continue your plan from Step 4.  Keep rotating through these steps until you solve your problem

The most critical element in the process may be your willingness to actively deal with your problems.

It is a well known fact that people say by their behaviour whether they're ready to change.

 Some people after analysing their problems, find they don't really have any.  Others discover there are multiple problems beneath the surface.

How long it may take to soleZ your particular problem depends both on the problem and on your willingness to change.

A critical part of your strategic planning is to establish a realistic timetable for progress.

Set your goals within a timetable that gives you a sense of accomplishment.

To be realistic, your schedule must allow for a certain amount of backsliding.  Usually it's a "yo-yo" routine for the first few weeks as you go in and out of acceptance of the situations.

But once people do things differently on a consistent basis they can maintain the changes.

The sense of accomplishment you get from solving one major problem may prevent future problems.

Once you've got that mental attitude of being a victor, you can solve just about any problem.

... Alison H, of Elizabeth, South Australia (reprinted from RoseMary's NoteBook© Winter 2000).