Pain - and - hurt

The first step in not hurting others

 is to stop hurting yourself.

We love beautiful clothes .... and we love ......

This blog usually highlights beautiful clothes for the plus size woman - it's our small way of "inspiring women of size to look beyond their shape and size and to realise their full potential©".

You and I, and other women, also have other needs in order to feel acceptable and lovely, and self-esteem in a high need.

Over in the States at the moment there is a campaign by the name of Strong 4Life which promotes a healthy life style for kids.   However .......

One of the ads that I've been sent shows a little girl who is, yes, plump.   But she is not obese.

The photo shows a little girl who isn't overly happy.  And I suspect it's not her size that makes her unhappy, it's the inappropriate attitude shown towards her by people all around her.  I speak from experience; and I have photos taken during my childhood where I had the same facial expression.  I was not only unhappy but I was desperately so.  This sort of recent campaign does absolutely nothing to a vulnerable little girl who looks at the picture and then tells herself she has to diet in order to become acceptable.  Most of us who are plus size have all been subjected to teasing and bullying not only during our childhood but adulthood too and we travelled the heart-wrenching diet journey that did nothing for our self-esteem or our weight.  Telling a person they're fat as though it's the most horrible thing in the world will never affect a healthy feeling of self-worth or a healthy body and mind.  

Attitudes and behaviour like this by others constitutes:

(a) abuse (visual, verbal and emotional),
(b) bullying and discrimination
(c) a lack of kindness and
(d) a lack of respect.

We all deserve respect, and children definitely need it.  How can a little girl have a healthy self-esteem if it is inferred in advertisements such as this, that she is "unacceptable".   Our kids need our encouragement and simple guidelines to follow in their lifestyle and to gain a healthy personal self-respect.

I've written about Marilyn Wann many times in my newsletters, and I've discovered that she is collecting photographs of girls (and boys) and women (and men) who all promote the "I Stand for ....." ideal.   And I'd like to include one of her posters here (copyright to Marilyn Wann, of course).    I love this photo - it shows someone who is cheeky, who is confident and someone who knows she is worthwhile and she intends the world to know it too!

The title of this blog is "we love beautiful clothes ......, and we love........."

What we are saying is:

"we love beautiful clothes ...... 

and we love beautiful people ....... 

no matter what age, size or shape"©

(Some of my followers may think this is a step away from my NoteBook© guidelines, but I feel strongly that this particular campaign, which I have no doubt will spread to other countries including Australia,  should be confronted full-on.  We also need professional to stand up on our behalf - those people who deal with us and treat us and who appreciate us for who we are.  People who accept clients of all ages and all sizes and shapes.  Those nutritionists, psychologists and those in the medical and health industries who deal with us and treat us and who accept that we're not all meant to be a size zero.  Those professionals who in fact promote the theory that plus size people can be healthy.)

The courage to be gentle!

One of the greatest qualiies we possess is gentleness and yet how often do we allow this aspect of ourselves to be seen?  For many of us how acceptable is it ? How often have you felt it, but as quickly as it came it went?  When did you feel safe enough to allow others to feel it too?

When you’ve made a mistake do you usually treat yourself gently?  Isn’t that the tme we all need to, rather than tell ourselves we are stupid or inadequate, or unleash our anger on ourselves?  When we do things that we later disapprove of, are these not the times when kindness, genteness and support would benefit us most to help integrate what we need to learn?

When we are offered empathy in such circumstances, do we acknowledge it or do we push others away in our frustration, self punishment and feelings of not being worthy to reeive?

Have you ever been aware of wanting top punish yoursekf (or have others punish you) when you think you have failed, said the wrong thing or let others down?    Out the door goes gentleness.  Out the door goes the chance to be supportive of yourself and to embrace how to handle things differently in the future.

Where did we get such a black and white concept of good and bad?  When did we become so fixed in our ideas of right and wrong and when did we decide that the maker of mistakes particuarly ourselves must receive punishment rather than understanding, gentleness, friendship and the all important reminder hat mistakes are just part of the human journey.  

In trying to ensure that mistakes do not happen again, how often do we inflict pain through a mixture of critisicm, revenge, aggression and abuse on ourselves and others in some msplaced belief that forgiveness, tolerance and patience are out of the question and the very opposite to what is required?  In our quieter moments do we really believe this or can we see that somewhere on our journey we have brought a whole range of habits and unconscious patterns which are foreign to our heart and feelings?

If we cultivated our gentleness - and this does not mean an avoidace of issues or real honesty , it coud be very different for us when we or others failed to meet expectations.   No longer would so many of us need to avoid owning up,  to constantly defend, blame, make excuses, become emotional, hide or run away, or to refuse to discuss the issues on hand.

Gentleness should NEVER be confused with weakness.   To have gentle strength is comforting, reassuring, inspiring and it feels safe  To act with gentleness takes courage - it is not something we pretend but a quality which promotes true communication and understanding and one which comes with the potential for greater freedom from the past, so that we can get on with living TODAY - with quality.

(With kind permission from the Relaxation Centre of Queensland, Brisbane, Queensland.)

Attitudes!

For more than 21 years RoseMary's NoteBook© the newsletter, was sent to women all around the world; not only throughout Europe, the USA, Ne Zealand,  the Pacific Islands and Scandanavia to mention a few.

During all those years, and indeed even today through this blog (as well as the Australian edition of RoseMary's NoteBook© which is ongoing), we (that is the columnists as well as readers) have repeatedly encouraged women to see themselves as intelligent, articulate, healthy women first and foremost.  The fact that many of us wear this attitude in a body that may be larger than some but smaller than others, is offset by the building up of a healthy and happy self-esteem.   That's not to say that we suggest larger women ignore the taunts and jokes that abound within conversations, bad joke entertainment avenues, discrimination within the community and indeed within families and circles of friends.  We know this sort of thing is present everyday - we'd be foolish to suggest otherwise.   **

It's more a matter of rising above the discrimination, and setting our sights on something bigger and greater than trying to meet other people's unrealistic expectations, or should I say demands, relative to how one looks and that takes into account size, shape and aging.  For whether we believe it or even understand it, the majority of us have the ability and instincts to know what is best for us (when it comes to food, when it comes to how we dress, and when it comes to how we behave).  We don't have to be "told" by others; we have the knowledge already in our own beautiful minds and brains.   We just have to work on that knowledge.  In our case here it's part of our basic integrity and ethics code - to share what we know, and to encourage those who tread the path of seeking self-discovery and in time self-esteem and acceptance.  We will not enter into discussions of criticism or becoming judgemental in our dealings with women, of any age, size and shape.

For a "movement" (size acceptance and self-acceptance) that has been going and gaining momentum for more than 25 years, it comes as no small surprise (and a big disappointment) to realise that women today are as insecure, guilt ridden, self-loathing and hating their bodies and their minds to some extent, as we were 25 years ago.   I hope I'm not being biased here, but in my dealings with women's groups, health groups, motivational seminars and conferences, I find that today's women have become so "angry" that their minds are taken up with such hostility and aggressiveness against society and almost everyone in it, that they lose their own dignity.

And the quickest way to lose their dignity is the way they speak and talk.  I've been in conversation with so many women who look and act with a certain amount of intelligence but when they open their mouths I shudder.   The English language is a beautiful language and yet it can be dragged through the mud so easily by today's women (of all ages, mind you) who resort to what used to commonly be called "gutter language".    It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, this is where a lot of conversation plummets to.   People say that we here are prejudiced, but I ask you - honestly.   If words offend during a conversation or discussion, then it is natural for anyone to "turn off" both the subject matter and the person speaking.

You see, time can be wasted in listening to people who are obviously not interested in attitudes. Their attitude to their listeners is arrogance, and in fact they show no respect towards themselves.

Is this a "modern" phenomana?    I can't really say without research, but this I do know personally.   I have never come across or been subjected to torrents of words that describe nothing but language which I wouldn't condone or accept from my children or grandchildren (in my presence) let alone my friends, as I have done during the past 5 years.   What does that say?   To me, sadly it says that those of us who made inroads into building up healthy and happy confidence in women, as well as presenting courses and books (including newsletters) over all this time we find we are now being treated with disdain and indifference by many of those we have attempted to help.  We're told we should "get over it" and not only accept this type of language, but to actually use it so that "women understand what you're talking about!"   If women can't understand plain English, then I wonder what's going on.

I hope I'm wrong and that things will change.

**  We'd hasten to include here those lovely readers who are petite - tiny, small, short, who experience similar discriminations as the larger woman.  Their discomfort and pain is just as intense, and it behoves us to recognise that there are many women of all sizes and ages who are treated unfairly and badly by people who really don't care a darn about their feelings.   Respect seems to be an old-fashoned word that no-one wants to use, let alone to understand the meaning of.

We've been holding our breath, too

Cyclone Yasi arrived with incredible rainfalls, 300 km an hour winds, the noises of storms sounding like a hundred steam trains and the peoples of all the coastal towns and cities from Cairns to Townsville held their breath.   We did too.

It is even now progressing into the Northern Territory and even Alice Springs has been issued with flood warnings.

The Weather Bureau forecasts that rainfalls of 100 mms will fall in many areas of South Australia, and down to North East Victoria.   (North West Victoria is still coping with the "inland sea" from floods that is covering huge areas and which according to the authorities may not recede for anything up to two months).  

Banana and sugar plantations have been wiped out in North Queensland.   And all this following the devastating floods that wiped our many small towns, shut down Brisbane, and has caused billions of dollars worth of damage.

Our thoughts and prayers are with all our brothers and sisters throughout Australia, who are feeling the impact of all these disasters.  

The "big wet" continues!

The flood waters in Victoria continue unabated.   Their journey across the dry river and creek beds and waterways is relentless.  And this is all before the floodwaters from Queensland arrive in our river systems.

Our hearts go out to all those in the areas that have been inundated with flood waters, as those who are anxiously waiting for the rivers to peak and then subside.   The major Banks have now opened their books to accepting donations for the Victorian Flood Appeal so we would urge you to spare a little, even a few dollars - they'll go a long way to helping these people as they grapple with incredible odds.   (The National Bank; Westpac; the Commonwealth Bank (Red Cross) and undoubtedly the Bendigo Bank - although we're not certain of the latter, as yet).  Giving donations through the Banks ensures that receipts are written and handed to the donor, thus giving some form of security that the money will go to the right department/agency.

The floods continue!

 (Copyright Herald-Sun, Melbourne, January 2011)

We're now into another week, and the floods continue.  

The massive "clean-up" has started in Queensland, particularly Brisbane city, however it has been suggested that it will not only take months to effectively get back to normal, but years.    Many people have returned to their homes - those whose homes are still standing that is, to find there is no power connected, no water connected, and their homes ruined completely.   Farmers are faced with incredible financial hardships and backbreaking work to clear their land of debris and to replant and restock, as a lot of livestock was lost in the floods.  But the will to overcome is strong.

The news today is that more  than one quarter of Victoria is now inundated or effected by flood waters.  Towns have been cut off; major roads have been washed away; townships flooded and many thousands of people have been evacuated and are wondering "what next?"  This is becoming known as "one in 200 years" flood, and land that has not seen a drop of water for more than 12 years in many places as seen from the air, now looks like a huge inland lake as far as the eye can see. 

Women everywhere are donning gum boots, hauling sandbags, collecting mud in shovels away from homes (their own, their neighbours and even strangers) and doing their bit in the fight to win the battle.   And when not out doing the hard yakka, women are encouraging each other with words of comfort and understanding.   You are women to be proud of - we salute you, one and all.

An appeal for compassion!

Those readers who already know RoseMary’s NoteBook© and our other self-esteem initiatives, will also realise that we care not only for women, for also men and children, more especially when their needs are outside of everyday ordinary happy and healthy living.

So it is that with the massive, devastating and crushingly cruel floods that have inflicted untold misery to hundreds of thousands of Australians; washed away homes (and all their contents and memories), ruined businesses, and ultimately taken lives, that we stand in utter amazement and ponder and think about all our brothers and sisters in Queensland, New South Wales, Tasmania, South Australia and now Victoria.  Entire towns and regional cities are silent as residents have been, or are, fighting to save their homes by sandbagging or else evacuating to relief centres.   Many towns have been flooded no less than 3 and even 5 times during the past 6 weeks or so.  Western Australia has been touched with fires at the very same time. 

Lives have been impacted to enormous degrees - as a woman (and a mother) who cannot be touched emotionally to the core by the news of a pregnant woman having her little toddler ripped from her arms by the massive surging floods?   Who cannot be touched by the news of a young woman who was hoisted up into the ceiling of her home by her brother, only to watch horrified as her mother and father were torn out of their kitchen into the swirling mud and debris filled flood waters?  Who cannot be touched by the realisation that many women have lost their partners/husbands/sons/brothers to the floodwaters?  Who cannot be touched at the news of entire families left with nothing - no clothes, no food, no water, no toys for their children, no photo albums, not even a toothbrush.

Who cannot be touched by the scenes of devastation as the massive “inland tsumani” tore down the streets of Toowomba throwing cars about as though they were small toys?  Who cannot be touched by the residents of the small town of Grantham which was disseminated - houses forever lost as they were torn from their foundations resulting in huge piles of debris.   So many lives effected and impacted in a matter of hours, days, weeks.  So many treasures, possessions and memories wiped out in swirling waters.

Who cannot be touched by the "human-ness" of so many menfolk who did (and do) their best to help their mates and who seeing their whole lives ripped apart by homes no longer fit to live in, are close to tears.   Who cannot be touched knowing that hundreds of beloved pets are lost.Who cannot be touched by the thousands upon thousands of small businesses ruined completely and many hundreds of thousands of people left bankrupt.  And for thousands of people there is no insurance - not even a cent.  Who cannot be touched by the sight of swirling, silt laden, muddy waters flowing out into Moreton Bay (Queensland); homes, shops and businesses completely submerged in New South Wales and Victoria throughout hundreds of small country towns and regional cities?

There are stories of heroism too;  a man swimming out to protect a woman caught up in the floodwaters; another man holding his friend for hours,  and stories of incredible surprises - pets found; small memories in a book that escaped the floods, a framed certificate of a daughter's accomplishments saved from the mud;  a wedding dress that looks ruined but which can be dry-cleaned even though every other garment that was left in the house had to be thrown into the waste rubbish skip. 

And throughout it all, women holding back their own tears, as they express resilience and a determination to keep going; to rebuild their lives for the sake of their husbands/partners and children.  Women who are scared of what the future will hold, but who are determined to focus on what can be done, rather than on what has happened.   Real women, real flesh-and-blood women, who need our thoughts and our prayers and ......

As proud Australians, we would urge and recommend readers to consider sending a donation to the Premier of Queensland’s Flood Appeal, no matter how small.  Please also consider the warning to check out the legitimacy of any charity that is appealing for funds and donations.

As Helen Keller said, and this is a quotation I often use:

“I am only one, but still I am one. 

I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; 

and because I cannot do everything, 

I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”

SCAMwatch is warning consumers to thoroughly check the legitimacy of charities when donating to help flood victims in central and south east Queensland.   http://www.qld.gov.au/floods/donate.html

.....© 2011, Rosemary