What does it matter?

I do a lot of observing. I look around me and see a lot of things that don't make sense. Like - why do people of size lose interest in themselves? (I am plus-size, so I know what the majority of them are feeling.)

It only takes a moment or two however to see how other people treat the plus-size, to realise just how little respect is sometimes given them. In fact I've seen people stop talking in mid-sentence and turn around to stare at a large person, before breaking into peels of laughter. I've personally been told that I shouldn't be eating what I eat (salads, for goodness sake!); I shouldn't expect to be invited to join club outings and other events ("they'll have to get in a sofa for you to sit on!"); and that I should never expect to be respected! Why? Because, "they" say (here are those terrible people called "they" again) that I'm out of control! Out of control? Surely, their attitude of "out of control".

If a person is treated with disdain and rudeness constantly, it doesn't take long to erode what little self-esteem we may have.   It doesn't take long before we begin to think of ourself as less of a person than we are, and it doesn't take long before the rudeness and dislike displayed by others, takes hold and becomes part of our self-thoughts.

So plus-size people who do lose interest in themselves need to be encouraged to see themselves for who they are (and not how other people see them) and to build upon that foundation. They need those of us who have gone through the same experiences, to tell them sincerely, that they can buck the system, and discover their own true worth. And to show them in a variety of ways. 

People who don't know us or really care about us including family, can and do display bad manners and attitudes. But it's not our problem - it's their problem.   (But we too often make the mistake of thinking it's our fault and take on feelings of guilt which are unreasonable.)

Yesterday someone said to me, "well, what does it matter?" I thought about that. Because when it comes down to tin-tacks, what does it really matter?   Do these people's prejudices really matter to me?  Of course they do, but It's not that I can change their opinions.  It's more important that I look at the whole picture and see that I'm worth more than their derogatory thoughts and remarks.  I see inappropriate attitudes for what they are - discriminatory.  Those people have put labels on me (and us) based on their assumptions - and their assumptions aren't always right.

So "what does it matter" in the long run?  It doesn't.   As long as we have respect for ourselves and to others, those out-of-touch attitudes and behaviours don't (and must not) impact upon how we feel about ourselves or to erode our self-esteem.

Standing up for ourselves! Whatever age we are.

Everyone tells us what we should be doing and what we should not be doing.  They even go so far as to tell us how we should be doing and should not be doing, as well as when we should be doing and not doing.  Quite frankly it seems some people want me to become their puppet and to do as I'm told, when I'm told and how I'm told as though I were a small child and not able to think for myself.

Even as a child I had the cheek to sometimes question what adults were telling me to do, especially if I didn't feel comfortable in doing it, and more especially if it didn't feel right. If they explained the reasons and I could sense their concern for my safety or my wellbeing, then I'd fit in with what they said.

When we're adults we feel much more in control. And so it goes - the decades pass and suddenly, we're staring "growing older" in the face. And what happens? Yep, you've guessed it - people start telling us what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

This is the time when we have to stand up for ourselves. To state what we want, and how we intend to achieve it, and when we want to do it. 

I took my adult children aside last week, sat them down and told them exactly how their demands and insistance on how I behave and live my life, make me feel superfluous. You should have seen their faces and listened to their excuses. 

It seems they hadn't even thought about how I feel about things. What they saw was the fact that yes, I'm growing older, and they felt threatened by the fact they'd have to become more responsible for and to me. I've been independent for many decades, but there's always the possibility and probability that I'll have to call on them for more assistance as time goes by. But should that really impact upon my importance not only to them but to me too?

And should that mean I have to lose my ability to decide what to do, how to do it and when to do it? Definitely not!

.....© 2011 Morgana

So what is self-esteem - part II.

Liking what you look like is another part. And this is where we quite often get confused and off the rails. Because our thoughts of self-acceptance get caught up in all the hoo-haa of what the media and the fashion industry particularly say we should look like. They aren't infallible you know. They can be wrong, and they are wrong most of the time.

Let's look at magazines. If women's magazines, both nationally and internationally are for ALL women, then why don't we see women of all ages, women of all colour, women of all shapes and sizes, pictured within those magazines pages on a regular basis. That is in every issue. Not only the occasional "special" issue that highlights fashion for the plus-size. How often do you see a section dealing with older women's issues? Makeup, hints on subtle enhancements to make a woman feel special - without having to diet or consult a cosmetic surgeon for a facelift or breast implants? 

Why when speaking with editors or features journalists at leading women's magazines, are we told that "well, our readers don't want to see ageing bodies, or overweight women - they'll get offended". Excuse me! Who's offended? Surely if women of all ages, colours, shapes and sizes were seen to be typical and "natural" and included within the pages of magazines of this type, then we'd all see ourselves for who and what we are and feel good about ourselves! Isn't that what the magazine is supposed to be all about in the first place?

So what is self-esteem?

Personal lives may be affected by all sorts of people and issues that erode self-esteem. Living in an abusive situation; being "put down" by people; being ridiculed (based on looks, size and age), all these things go to wearing away our feelings of worth, until those feelings and emotions get all tangled up, and we become what THEY want. Not what we want.

Self esteem is the value or worth that you place upon yourself.

It's as simple as that. You'll find countless books in the library; seminars advertised through magazines or television; numerous courses held by reputable (and not so reputable) facilitators, as well as one-to-one consultancy, all offering to help you gain self esteem.

But do you really need to spend thousands of dollars in order to be told what, in your heart of hearts, you already know?

And what do you know? That you're an intelligent, sensible, good and kind person. Well versed in whatever profession you work under - from being a homemaker and mother; to a carer; to a business woman; to a corporate director; to a health specialist; to a bus driver; to an excavator driver; to a pilot; to a student; to a person who makes sandwiches in the local coffee shop. It doesn't matter what you do, if you do it well.

Gaining satisfaction in what you do is a major part of having self-esteem.

Why does time fly, even when you're NOT having fun?

From Morgana de Courcy


It comes as some surprise to realise it's so long between posts. Have I been busy? Well some say yes, and I say "sort of". But a lot has happened recently and I would suspect most readers would nod their heads and agree that time certainly flies.

Since writing my previous post, I've spent some time with small groups of women who are trying to get over illness; getting over family breakdowns; and trying to survive in a harsh embittered environment. The first two categories can affect all of us at any time- it doesn't only affect women who are aging or who are plus-size. But the third category falls into an area of its own. The ladies who I was privileged to meet and talk with, were all women who had struggled to overcome size discrimination. And would you believe that a couple of these women were tiny - naturally tiny women. But their stories bore out what we all know - that discrimination runs rife out there in the world and within families. They were told over and over again, that they should be ashamed of themselves for being anorexic - these women are healthy (bodysize based on their frames and heredity characteristics) who have lost a lot of their self confidence too. It was eye-opening for each of us as we discussed many instances of rudeness and insensitivity by other people based on our sizes - those who were considered "plus-size" and those who were considered to be "anorexic".

Surely we have to come to a situation of expecting acceptance from everyone around us, whatever our shape and size are? What do you think? 

What is self-esteem? That will be the subject of our next posting. But in the meantime we'd like you to think about your dreams and ambitions. Do you "dream" about doing something out of the ordinary, like starting up your own small business, or going to China to teach English as a language? Do you believe you can achieve those dreams and ambitions, or are you often filled with doubt and guilt, based on what someone says or does to you? 

We all aspire to doing something "better" in and with our lives. Even if we're hindered by circumstances and by the actions and behaviour of others, we CAN still make our lives more fulfilling and satisfying. All it takes is a whole lot of belief in our ability to know what is best for us. 

And deep down, we DO know what's best for us. Some people call it intuition or basic instincts or even "gut feelings". But in order to be seen as typical and normal in today's society, too often we shelve our own personal dreams and ambitions. What others say, and these may be family and friends, and even strangers, becomes the "norm", and we lose our sense of self in the process.

"S" Plates

What is this nonsense?

In the press recently, an article raised the suggestion that older drivers should be issued with an "S" plate that should be affixed to their car windscreens. This "S" plate would then alert other drivers that the driver of the car in question is a "senior" citizen.

Whoa a bit. We've got "P" plates for those who have just been issued a license, and then there's a Disability Permit for those who are less mobile but who are still proficient drivers (of ANY age!).

But why single out the seniors? Why not an "R" plate for Road-ragers; a "D" plate for disqualified drivers (and this is not a contradiction because far too many disqualified drivers get back into the drivers seat and commit all sorts of road breaches of law); a "B" plate for bad-tempered males (no, I'm not gender biased!); a "Sm" for smokers; a "MP" for mobile phone users (which is illegal but an awful lot of people especially young women do it); and one that my girlfriend suggested "DM" for distracted Mums.

Why are seniors considered to be a nuisance - and as a lot of the media has been pressing in recent times, a "burden" on society? It seems someone has to take the blame for what is going on in society, so let's throw it at the seniors!

This is not good enough!

DISCIPLINE!

From Morgana de Courcy:

Why does it seem so hard to become disciplined when you become an online writer? I've been creating and writing newsletters and in-house magazines for the past 40 odd years (yes - I certainly don't look my age, do I?), yet coming to grips with writing a regular blog seems to present me with obstacles.

So today I decided. Drat it - I'll pretend I know what I'm doing, and if I fall flat on my face, well so be it! There's only one thing to do if that happens, and that's to stagger back up on my feet, stand tall and try again.

Big Issues have been at the forefront of news for a long time but are increasingly rearing their heads in many insidious ways. Over the airways, the television, the printed newspapers and the internet. Most if not all, the references are that to be acceptable in today's society, you have to be slim, trim, and beautiful. That's a nice wish, but real life isn't so clearcut.

Whether that beauty is allowed to be natural is another matter, because the inference is that you will never be beautiful enough and if you want to be noticed and treated as "one of us", then you'll have to have WLS, stomach banding, botox, liposuction and the works. Noone tells us the risks involved in all these procedures - and there are some horrific stories around.

But I decided a long while ago that I would turn a deaf ear to people who tell me I "MUST" do this or that, and "MUST NOT' do other things. Who gives them the right to tell me what to do and how to live my life? Especially as I believe, as a mature aged woman, I have insights into life and its experiences that give me the right to choose for myself. That's why I agreed (if a little hesitantly at first) to speak to women's groups. When accepting speaking engagements with women's health and safety organisations, teenage school children as well as groups catering to the elderly being encouraged to stay in their own homes as long as possible, I've been humbled by the fact that they've taught me much more than I've been able to tell them.

Low self-esteem is as rife as it has ever been. And that is very sad taking into account the fact that countless motivators, facilitators and counsellors have set up their own businesses, and many are sponsored with government as well as corporate funding, and yet as just as many people as ever present as having no confidence.

You can't force people to be confident. That builds up a defence mechanism that prevents them from growing independent, and from you gaining their trust and allowing you to offer strategies to help them. What I'm not talking about are not fancy and outlandish strategies - I'm talking about simple, small steps in a journey of discovery.

It comes down to choice. And we should all enjoy fredom of choice, not matter what aspect it relates to in our life. Choice made on sound principles; choice that becomes a matter of judgement based on analysing the pros and cons of situations, and of people. If we make a bad choice, then we are intelligent enough to realise we have to accept responsibility for its outcome. We can't blame anyone else.

Discipline comes into the picture. It always does. Whether it's how much time you spend cleaning the house; attending lectures; at your desk; with your family and friends; picking up after the kids; doing what you want and what you have to do, it all comes down to disciplining yourself. The result is always rewarding, no matter what area of your life we're talking about.

I don't agree that to be acceptable we have to be slim, trim, svelte and "beautiful". Digital enhancements are everywhere - we need to be real people in a real world. If we were all the same - looked the same, were the same size and shape, the same colour, the same age, how boring the world would be!

It's up to us. We are, after all, our own best asset! With a bit of discipline and a desire to be allowed to be who we are and what we are, we can show the world (and us for that matter) that weknow and we have made our choice!

Attitudes!

For more than 21 years RoseMary's NoteBook© the newsletter, was sent to women all around the world; not only throughout Europe, the USA, Ne Zealand,  the Pacific Islands and Scandanavia to mention a few.

During all those years, and indeed even today through this blog (as well as the Australian edition of RoseMary's NoteBook© which is ongoing), we (that is the columnists as well as readers) have repeatedly encouraged women to see themselves as intelligent, articulate, healthy women first and foremost.  The fact that many of us wear this attitude in a body that may be larger than some but smaller than others, is offset by the building up of a healthy and happy self-esteem.   That's not to say that we suggest larger women ignore the taunts and jokes that abound within conversations, bad joke entertainment avenues, discrimination within the community and indeed within families and circles of friends.  We know this sort of thing is present everyday - we'd be foolish to suggest otherwise.   **

It's more a matter of rising above the discrimination, and setting our sights on something bigger and greater than trying to meet other people's unrealistic expectations, or should I say demands, relative to how one looks and that takes into account size, shape and aging.  For whether we believe it or even understand it, the majority of us have the ability and instincts to know what is best for us (when it comes to food, when it comes to how we dress, and when it comes to how we behave).  We don't have to be "told" by others; we have the knowledge already in our own beautiful minds and brains.   We just have to work on that knowledge.  In our case here it's part of our basic integrity and ethics code - to share what we know, and to encourage those who tread the path of seeking self-discovery and in time self-esteem and acceptance.  We will not enter into discussions of criticism or becoming judgemental in our dealings with women, of any age, size and shape.

For a "movement" (size acceptance and self-acceptance) that has been going and gaining momentum for more than 25 years, it comes as no small surprise (and a big disappointment) to realise that women today are as insecure, guilt ridden, self-loathing and hating their bodies and their minds to some extent, as we were 25 years ago.   I hope I'm not being biased here, but in my dealings with women's groups, health groups, motivational seminars and conferences, I find that today's women have become so "angry" that their minds are taken up with such hostility and aggressiveness against society and almost everyone in it, that they lose their own dignity.

And the quickest way to lose their dignity is the way they speak and talk.  I've been in conversation with so many women who look and act with a certain amount of intelligence but when they open their mouths I shudder.   The English language is a beautiful language and yet it can be dragged through the mud so easily by today's women (of all ages, mind you) who resort to what used to commonly be called "gutter language".    It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, this is where a lot of conversation plummets to.   People say that we here are prejudiced, but I ask you - honestly.   If words offend during a conversation or discussion, then it is natural for anyone to "turn off" both the subject matter and the person speaking.

You see, time can be wasted in listening to people who are obviously not interested in attitudes. Their attitude to their listeners is arrogance, and in fact they show no respect towards themselves.

Is this a "modern" phenomana?    I can't really say without research, but this I do know personally.   I have never come across or been subjected to torrents of words that describe nothing but language which I wouldn't condone or accept from my children or grandchildren (in my presence) let alone my friends, as I have done during the past 5 years.   What does that say?   To me, sadly it says that those of us who made inroads into building up healthy and happy confidence in women, as well as presenting courses and books (including newsletters) over all this time we find we are now being treated with disdain and indifference by many of those we have attempted to help.  We're told we should "get over it" and not only accept this type of language, but to actually use it so that "women understand what you're talking about!"   If women can't understand plain English, then I wonder what's going on.

I hope I'm wrong and that things will change.

**  We'd hasten to include here those lovely readers who are petite - tiny, small, short, who experience similar discriminations as the larger woman.  Their discomfort and pain is just as intense, and it behoves us to recognise that there are many women of all sizes and ages who are treated unfairly and badly by people who really don't care a darn about their feelings.   Respect seems to be an old-fashoned word that no-one wants to use, let alone to understand the meaning of.

Different shades and tones

Winter time seems to equate with being dull!   I'm not only talking about the weather here, because you'll have noticed, I'm sure, that most of the clothing in the store windows as well as the majority of Australian websites providing especially plus-size fashion, are terribly dull,  boring and nothing looks different to anything else on offer!

Many of the Australian suppliers have realised the market for the younger plus-size woman which has been a long time coming, but now that it's arrived, it is very welcome.  This takes into account the woman in her 20s right through the adult years.  In fact many mature and older women take advantage of this clothing as well.  It's affordable, it's wearable, and it has a slightly "modern" touch to it.

But if you look at things realistically, you'll see that many of the styles particularly tee shirts and longer tops, even though one might have an uneven hem slanting in one direction while another goes the opposite direction, there's still a sameness about everything.

And where are the colours?    Why do suppliers expect us all to wear - black, dark grey, denim blue, with white tops broken by black vests and the like, without wanting the shouting of colour - all the time?   Oh yes, some of the suppliers include a red cardigan or red tee in their range, but why can't we have other colours?  Many of us have to liven and lighten our darker clothing with bright, sassy scarves or handknits to lift our winter-look.

Then I found this small local supplier - Wrapt Ya!   http://www.wraptya.com.au/    It's all a matter of "looking" around to see what is available outside of the usual/expected providers - and to be pleasantly surprised at what you find.    Often Wrapt Ya! will take a colour and then expand upon it by using different tonings and shades of that colour to build up an outfit of interest.

Winter has arrived!

Well, officially it's Winter here.  Many of my friends over in the States are experiencing all the joys and discomforts of summer and it's accompanying heat, rashes, "how to keep cool", and all the other things associated with summer!

For the first three days of winter, we've had the most beautiful sunny days - bright blue skies, just a semblance of a gentle breeze catching the tops of the trees.  Yes, the days are getting shorter, and once the sun goes down, the chill rises, and rises quickly.   We've also been told by the so-called weather experts to expect sleet, rain, and even snow either at the weekend or early next week.  Brrr.    That means rummaging through the wardrobe to find that extra bulky cardigan in anticipation.

My friend asked me to go with her to a small presentation of the latest "Postie Fashions" selection the other night.    It has been some years since I saw the range, but once again I was impressed with what I saw.  Importantly I was "taken" by the fact that their garments are "made in Australia".   Sizes go from 6 through to 28 and if you are in the market for a couple of nice new garments, then why not visit their website at  http://www.postie.com.au/index.html

Is fashion going a little crazy?

We all know that what goes around comes around.  Take for instance the elastic waist-cincher of the 1960s - the young women of today are wearing this belt, thinking, naturally, that they "discovered" it!   Mind you, if we go further back into fashion history there's no doubt this same small accessory would most likely have been a part of every woman's wardrobe decades if not centuries earlier!  So we didn't "discover" it either!

But have you seen some of the modern shoes that women are tottering around on?  Honestly one small slip and they'd break every bone in their ankle, but "it's fashion" and what young woman likes to be told that she should "consider wearing much smaller heels or in fact going into flats for everyday wear"?   No one I know.

But when a woman has to be led, quite literally, by the hand of her partner, so that she may stay upright while walking, this gets a bit strange - especially after an evening of nightclubbing, dining and the occasional drink.   I saw one young woman being led this way, only to trip over a small paving step at he entrance of the hotel where I was staying.  Both of them crashed to the floor and the woman had to be taken to hospital having injured both feet.   I wonder just how she got on.  She certainly didn't enjoy the evening out, which apparently was a friend's engagement party!

So I thought you'd be amused, or even seriously confused, at seeing a couple of photos I've just received of the "latest" shoes from Asia.   I can't imagine them being here in Australia, but who knows?  Someone will get the bright idea that there's a market, and women will just as easily fall into the trap of believing that they'll look a million dollars and be ahead in the fashion stakes if they "indulge" or invest in this modern footwear.