Springtime in the southern hemisphere

While it is obviously still winter time here, it's great to see many of the fashion houses bringing out bright, cheerful and cheeky clothing in anticipation of Spring, which is only a few weeks away.

There are a number of plus-size "fashion" suppliers here in Australia, who in my mind at least, seem to be offering garments made from inferior fabric.   The prices aren't cheap, and while the garments look "trendy", once you feel the fabric between your fingers you realise that it is mainly an elasticised el-cheapo fabric that may not last more than 3 or 4 washes.

However, I've just re-found a supplier from New Zealand with the lovely name of "The Carpenters Daughter", and I've included a photo of one of their outfits which took my eye.

Those of us who have been protesting for years about the lack of plus-size clothes that are "modern" must all agree that there's been a change in attitudes of many suppliers.  That's really good, because many Australian suppliers are now providing modern gear that anyone can wear (even taking into account my first paragraph).

It would be nice though if some of these suppliers included clothing for the more mature woman (without her looking dowdy or as that old saying goes, "mutton done up as lamb").   We all want to be modern and "with it", but let's look at the whole picture, not only focus on the very young customer.   And "more mature" these days means women in their 30s and 40s as well as older.

http://www.tcd.co.nz/

Spring is in the air!

It's still only August, and the Winter this year has been decidedly cold.  And wet!    Plenty of frosts and fogs and even snow further up in the hills.

The past couple of days though we've had lovely sunshine during the daytime hours.   Suddenly things are changing.   This morning as I drove to the shops I noticed that the cherry-plum trees (that are favoured over here as avenue trees) are already breaking out into blossom.  At the same time many of the early flowering rhododendrons are breaking bud.  One of the loveliest sights however are the magnolia trees, massively covered in white and pink blooms.   Two days ago the trees were bare - yet today they are flaunting their beauty. They remind me of beautiful women.

You know, so many women these days seem to be unaware of their attractiveness.     As I enjoyed a cup of coffee at the local cafe this morning I watched as women walked past and rode the escalators to the shops.  So many of them looked as though they'd slept in their clothes or else thrown on anything they could find.  Why is this I wonder?  It's not as though women are expected to "dress up" merely to go shopping or to check the post, but what has happened to carefully choosing what one wears each and every day?

I meet a lot of women who have no restrictions on their spending budget;  I meet as many who live on tightly controlled budgets and who in fact hardly have any spending money to themselves from one year to another.  Yet both lots of women can, and do, dress smartly.   Our local Op shops have recently been in the news as having gained a reputation for providing top quality clothing, some of it designer labels, and women everywhere are taking advantage of these garments.  All at affordable prices.   It's one way of increasing the wardrobe at little cost.  

So it saddens me to see women of all ages who seem to take little or no care in what they're wearing.  Even if their wardrobe is somewhat bare, that's no excuse for women (especially women of size) to go around with clothing that quite obviously needs a good wash.   Have they given up?  

Let's take note of the flowers in our garden.   They insist that the world sees them as beautiful regardless of their size or age.   If only we could do the same as it relates to ouselves.

Comparing

Continued: 


We've been speaking about many differences and changes to women's life-styles over the past decades.   There have been tremendous inroads into building up opportunities for women, but sometimes it's worth while being reminded of how our mothers and grandmothers fared in dealing with everyday issues.  Compared to today, those women had a lot of extra battles to fight and overcome.  Yet, that's not to say that women today don't have any many hurdles to jump and overcome.   This is where encouragement is always needed.


When young women and older women have the opportunity to share this sort of information that we've been talking about in the past three posts, it is very surprising to observe the way younger women view what they hear. Too often it is utter disbelief. Sometimes it is seen as an exaggeration. Seldom is it seen as being the truth, and therefore not often is a special understanding arrived at, of what women in general, but particularly their mothers and grandmothers, have gone without and fought for.

So it's not surprising in having to realise that women as they grow older lose a lot of confidence. They've always had to struggle against the tide, but they seek and need support and empathy from younger women, not only for personal and physical encouragement, but moreso for moral support. 

In many cultures this moral support is part of the cultural makeup of women within that society. In the western world this need is sometimes neglected to such an extent that it doesn't exist. 

The 21st Century woman encompasses a diverse and incredibly valuable circle of intelligence, information and experience. The more we share that with each other, the more confidence we each shall possess.

Young women today versus young women of yesterday

Continued:

And in the journey, women themselves have overlooked the sacrifices that women in earlier decades have made.  When talking with young women in their 20s and 30s, it comes as a great surprise to them to learn that thirty years ago:

(a) women who were employed by the Public Service had their employment terminated when they married (the official policy of the day). Even in private enterprise, asking for a "raise" in their wages was unheard of.  There was no such thing as Work-Choices, or collective bargaining.  Superannuation was an unknown word.  "Unfair dismissal"?  If your employer didn't think you did your job well, you were fired.  That was that.  Equal pay?  Whoever thought that would ever be discussed.  ***

(b) single women who had babies did not receive social welfare payments - there was no such thing.  Other than  "child endowment" which amounted to a few shillings (equal to one dollar) bringing up a baby (or babies) was seen to be the sole duty of a mother.   If the woman was not married or if the father refused to marry her, most times she had to rely on her mother or other relations to help in bringing up the child/children.    In many cases, (far too many), the other option for single women was that they were persuaded to give their baby up for adoption, or as rumoured at the time, and now spoken about openly, they had their babies removed at birth, never to see them again.   Many excuses were made at the time, including that the baby had died at birth (many times far from the truth).  There was very little that a young unmarried girl could do to find out the truth.

(c)  there were no creches or daycare centres available; there were no kindergartens as such.  Occasionally a woman in the same suburb would open her home to looking after three or four children, for a whole day, part of a day, or before or after school, for a fee. One had to trust their baby or child sometimes to a complete stranger, hoping that that baby was being looked after.  Supervision was left entirely in the hands of the person looking after the children, and there were no audits by government bodies or legislation to cover the safety and health aspect.

(d)  women were NOT "invited" (patronising word isn't it?) to join superannuation funds.  It was unheard of, and if a woman had the audacity to request her inclusion, once they had been more readily accepted in the workplace,  she would have been laughed at.  She was always treated as secondary to a male employee - even if she did exactly the same job.

(d)  women were NOT permitted to take out bank loans.  In fact as far as banking and financial aspects of a woman's life, she had to have a "male" sponsor or guarantor willing to stand for her.  Sometimes it meant even asking a stranger to act as guarantor, which gave them a "hold" over the woman until she repaid the loan.

(e)  women did not own their own homes therefore - based on (d) above.  Women did not own their own motor vehicles.  Very seldom indeed did women own property (unless they inherited it from parents).

(f)  women were considered to be chattels of their husband.  They had very few rights - in the home, or the workplace.  Certainly in the court of law - should there be a divorce.

(g)  most employment opportunities were in factories - processing, manufacturing, the car industry, backyard sewing rooms etc;  shop assistants - mostly shops such as grocers, greengrocers, fish and chip shops.  Girls with higher ambitions aimed for "higher" grade retail positions such as a salesgirl in Myer or David Jones;  or as a theatre girl selling programmes;  or as a hair dresser, etc.  Many girls initiated their own career - such as millinery and/or dressmaking.   The more skilled they were, the more successful they became.

(h)  it was very seldom that a woman initiated a divorce.  To do so was to place herself in an extremely vulnerable position and public scrutiny. She was usually seen as being the guilty one regardless of the reason for the divorce. She would have to prove her need to rely on social welfare (if she had never had a job or if she lost it as a result of the divorce) - which was a pittance, and she underwent repeated investigations into her private life as it related to her "behaviour" and her private income.  That private income was usually zero.  She could very easily fall through the gaps of social interest and concern, and become destitute.

To be continued ...

*** Equal pay - even though women were awarded "equal pay for work of equal value" in 1968, it still remains unattainable for many women, regardless of their career position.  

Young women today versus young women of yesterday

Most teenagers/young women of today appear to have an over abundance of confidence. They will take up all sorts of pursuits and set what seem to a lot of us impossible goals, (particularly those of us who are "growing older").   In fact sometimes it seems as though younger women race towards their goals without much thought as to what they will do should they fall flat on their faces. It's not unusual to hear young women say that they never give failure a thought. Their attitude at times seems to be over-confident. The majority of us however encourage them.

That's not to say that women at all times have not set themselves goals that are achievable as well as those which required their persistence and dedication in achieving, even when it meant sacrificing a lot of things. For instance, many women have forsaken marriage and/or starting a family for years, in order to attain a "career". That career may bring with it great rewards - financial and psychological. 

Women have made incredible strides in becoming more independent over the past thirty years,  or more.  Of course there have always been women who have been pioneers and liberated and have overcome great obstacles to be educated and acknowledged as top of their profession - i.e. doctors, bankers, scientists, lawyers, corporate managers, politicians. But too often reaching these heights has "cost" them in more ways than one.

In the pursuit of "equality" in the workplace, women have had to prove themselves not only as good as but better than,  in too many ways. Unfortunately when this has occurred the weight of public opinion has been against them for wanting to prove their superiority! Too often from other women.


To be continued ......

HIGHS and LOWS

I'm always on the look-out for likeminded women, who see the need to surround other women who have low (or no) self-esteem, with lots of positiveness and optimism. That's not to say everyone should go around with a big happy smile on their face, even when their lives are breaking apart, pretending that everything's OK. We have to be sensible and realise that it's a part of life having to go through experiences that will uplift us, and others that will drag us down to depths of despair. But it's what we "do" with the highs and lows that is important. Not only to us but to those around us.

In today's society there is a lot of controversy, hipocrasy and discrimination as it relates to looks, age, size and shape. That discrimination then translates into non-acceptance of a person's race, their education, and their beliefs.

This is when basic common sense and good manners get lost in the overflow of antagonism and hostility, from one person to another. In other words things get out of control. The person on the receiving end finds there's no let-up in the stings and barbs, and the perpetrator becomes immune to any understanding of how the other person feels.

Things become more and more confused and complicated. And there's no real reason why life should be this way.

It's usually women, and quite often family members and friends, who belittle other women because they "look" different, by way of looks, shapes and sizes. Why is it so? Why can't we all get on with one another; sharing accomplishments and hurdles with smiles, added offers of encouragement and just "being there" for each other?

Why do we feel threatened by other women? Either by personal achievement; more beautiful looks and figures; or just an inability to "see" another woman as being a friend rather than a foe?

WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH!

When things get tough and you really feel that the world is against you

that you’ve been “hard done” by:

that everyone is thinking of themselves and not of you:

when finances get tight;

when health problems arise;

when emotions are taut;

when there is disharmony in the home;

when the kids are sick;

when the kids are naughty;

when the kids are late;

when the kids leave home; 

when the weather is cold and rainy all the time

 (and you can’t get the clothes dry);

or when the weather is so hot that all you want to do

 is to find a nice cool spot and hide away from all the responsibilities you have;

when the next door neighbours are giving you a tense time

-  (perhaps a barking dog that never stops or complaints about your new fence)

when your best friend argues with you over some unimportant matter;

when the car won’t start;

when the last light globe has been used and another pops;

when the bus is late;

when the roof leaks;

when dinner spoils; 

when the washing machine gives up;

when the tradesman doesn’t arrive on time 

(and doesn’t have the courtesy to let you know in advance);

when your Mother or Father decides to do their own thing and separate

 - upsetting your whole life and life-style in even small ways; 

when just about anything that will go wrong does go wrong.

DON’T DESPAIR

Every woman has been in similar circumstances at some stage of her life;  and especially a Mother.  When you think that you’re in a pickle, try and remember how your Mum handled the situation - whether by laughter or tackling the problem responsibily and within reason and then getting on with her life.   


Don’t think for one minute that the problems of the world are your own private predicaments - life is far too fickle to concentrate on you alone.  Don’t turn against those who care for you and love you (and have proved beyond doubt in previous times and problems that they can be counted upon to stand by you).  Look at them and turn to then for understanding and encouragement - they’ll surprise you by always giving it one way or another without any strings.

For it is in confronting many of these issues realistically and rationally, then we find we have the inner strengths to handle them - to deal with them, and to actually resolve them.  The more we do this, the more experience we gain in building up self-confidence to be able to make decisions for our's (and others) benefit.   We will then be able to act independently or dependently with the assistance of others, adding to each person’s confidence and allowing our friendships whether family, friends or neighbours, to be enhanced.   There's nothing quite like having experienced some of these problems and getting over them;  you feel more secure in your own judgements and instincts, and can more easily offer undestanding and compassion to others who are travelling a similar path.

BELIEF!

BELIEF (in ourselves) is the knowledge that we can do something.  It’s the inner feeling that what we undertake we can accomplish.  For the most part, all of us have the ability to look at something and know whether or not we can do it.

So, in belief there is power; 

our eyes are opened;  

our opportunities become plain; 

our visions become realities.

The courage to be gentle!

One of the greatest qualiies we possess is gentleness and yet how often do we allow this aspect of ourselves to be seen?  For many of us how acceptable is it ? How often have you felt it, but as quickly as it came it went?  When did you feel safe enough to allow others to feel it too?

When you’ve made a mistake do you usually treat yourself gently?  Isn’t that the tme we all need to, rather than tell ourselves we are stupid or inadequate, or unleash our anger on ourselves?  When we do things that we later disapprove of, are these not the times when kindness, genteness and support would benefit us most to help integrate what we need to learn?

When we are offered empathy in such circumstances, do we acknowledge it or do we push others away in our frustration, self punishment and feelings of not being worthy to reeive?

Have you ever been aware of wanting top punish yoursekf (or have others punish you) when you think you have failed, said the wrong thing or let others down?    Out the door goes gentleness.  Out the door goes the chance to be supportive of yourself and to embrace how to handle things differently in the future.

Where did we get such a black and white concept of good and bad?  When did we become so fixed in our ideas of right and wrong and when did we decide that the maker of mistakes particuarly ourselves must receive punishment rather than understanding, gentleness, friendship and the all important reminder hat mistakes are just part of the human journey.  

In trying to ensure that mistakes do not happen again, how often do we inflict pain through a mixture of critisicm, revenge, aggression and abuse on ourselves and others in some msplaced belief that forgiveness, tolerance and patience are out of the question and the very opposite to what is required?  In our quieter moments do we really believe this or can we see that somewhere on our journey we have brought a whole range of habits and unconscious patterns which are foreign to our heart and feelings?

If we cultivated our gentleness - and this does not mean an avoidace of issues or real honesty , it coud be very different for us when we or others failed to meet expectations.   No longer would so many of us need to avoid owning up,  to constantly defend, blame, make excuses, become emotional, hide or run away, or to refuse to discuss the issues on hand.

Gentleness should NEVER be confused with weakness.   To have gentle strength is comforting, reassuring, inspiring and it feels safe  To act with gentleness takes courage - it is not something we pretend but a quality which promotes true communication and understanding and one which comes with the potential for greater freedom from the past, so that we can get on with living TODAY - with quality.

(With kind permission from the Relaxation Centre of Queensland, Brisbane, Queensland.)

Feeling at a loss for words!

Self-confidence is a very important and essential part of one's life. I hear it said every day, and in fact I promote the whole idea within my interests including women's health.

But even I become lost for words, when I am questioned by someone who cannot, and it seems, does not want to understand the words I say, especially when I am questioned about my personal life and beliefs. I've learned over many years to be as precise and accurate as I possibly can be in what I say and the words I use, but there are still people who "assume" they know what I am going to answer, before they even form the question. This puts me at a disadvantage because they will not "hear" or even wait for my answer; in their opinion, and arrogance, they already "know".

In running seminars and short-courses I've been very aware and conscious that I must never be judgemental or assume that I know how everybody else "ticks". We are all different. Yet sometimes the English language does not allow us to be as precise as we would like to be, only due to the fact that each person's translation of what another person says, is totally different.

I'm one of those people who attempt to be literal and honest in my discussions and conversations. It is when I am queried time and time again, by people using different words in their questioning but all pivoting around and returning back to the same base question, that I find it becomes almost impossible to impress upon them that it is their translation which I find hard to fathom. 

Having to justify one's own belief in oneself causes a great deal of stress. And it just shouldn't be. For if we lose sight of each person's personal dignity in believing in themselves and their principles, then we've lost all ability to show understanding, compassion and respect. 

This places un-earned and un-deserving power in the hands of people who don't know us, but based on their own egos they experience some satisfaction in dismantling our self-confidence. This power can become a great weapon, and I believe, in my innocence, that they should be questioned as to what right they think they have to treat us in this fashion. This applies especially to people who either directly or indirectly have an impact upon our personal lives.

Self-confidence may take a long time in acquiring - it can just as easily within 30 seconds be completely destroyed by people who think they know everything and who don't take the time to study human nature and behaviour and the basic ethics and principles of being honest and true.

And good-manners come into the equation as well!   Or have good-manners become a "bad" word?

A vested interest!

As you have probably worked out, I have a vested interest in issues of "self-esteem",
especially as they relate to women and children.  But in recent times, men too!
In society today, discrimination based on looks even though it is not legal to do
so, is sadly permitted. Particularly by the media, and to a lesser extent most other
professions.

How many women's magazines, both nationally and internationally, show women
of a "certain age" (and by this I mean from 35 to 80) in glowing terms; in
advertisements including fashion supplements? For that matter how many
of these magazines show women of size in a positive or highly acceptable way? 

A favourite saying of mine is that women's magazines are supposedly published
for ALL women - not just young women, not just slim women, not just
"celebrity" women. ALL women. Women of all ages, and all shapes and
sizes. But will the editors, features editors and women's pages editors
listen to common sense? Unfortunately they are the victims of highly
questionable attitudes and ethics of their employers - so many of these
editors have been literally "sacked" for having the audacity to show healthy
women of around size 16 on the covers of these magazines. When questioned
the spokespersons of these magazines have claimed their readers would be
upset at seeing "fat" women within the pages of the magazines. This is
downright ridiculous and should not be accepted.

You only have to look around your own shopping mall; take a look at your
own family members and you'll see women of all ages and sizes and
shapes. Do you see them as being "unacceptable" when compared to you?
And why would you compare? Because each of us is unique - we are
incomparable. We are one-offs; and no one can copy us. They may try to,
but they won't succeed.

There is enough negativeness in our society already without allowing
 for inappropriate and unkind attitudes to take form and become
"normal" as far as being different to each other, as far as looks are
concerned.

We're all different, but it is the difference each of us possesses,
that makes us similar.

It's "inappropriate attitudes" that should not be accepted,
not our age or size or shape!

A paragon of pleasing plumpness!

My friend Maureen in Western Australia said this about me a few years ago.  I thought it was delightful.   Maureen, being a curvaceous woman herself, was always looking for words that described herself and her friends in a happy and complimentary way.

That got me thinking about brides.  Not that I intend getting married (not at the moment anyway), but when I leaf through bridal magazines - it doesn't matter whether they're Australian or from overseas, you never see a model who is larger than a size 6 or 8.   Why?

Girls of all ages and all sizes get married and want to look their loveliest.  And why shouldn't they?   But when it comes to someone who is size 18 (US size 14) or 20 or more, they're not supposed to feel they deserve beautiful bridal wear.  Who says so?   Well the media for sure, and the fashion industry as well.  When we have dress designers who are "feted" here and internationally because of their "incredible talents", and who won't even deign to design everyday/evening wear let alone bridal wear for anyone bigger than size 14, then something's wrong.

I don't know how tall Queen Victoria was, but she surely was a buxom, plump little thing.   Dressmakers in the Victorian and Edwardian eras made incredible garments and they made them for slim, svelte and plump and curvaceous women.  Why can't our modern day dressmakers do the same?

Their argument?  We've heard it all before - it takes more fabric to make a garment for a larger person.   La de dah.   We know that.   But it takes more than fabric to design and make a beautiful garment.  It takes talent on the part of the dress maker.   This is where we're let down so often - a dressmaker is not necessarily a good seamstress/dressmaker.  For there has to be "engineering" knowhow;  there has to be imagination;  there has to be experience and there has to be an ability to see the whole picture.

What does it matter?

I do a lot of observing. I look around me and see a lot of things that don't make sense. Like - why do people of size lose interest in themselves? (I am plus-size, so I know what the majority of them are feeling.)

It only takes a moment or two however to see how other people treat the plus-size, to realise just how little respect is sometimes given them. In fact I've seen people stop talking in mid-sentence and turn around to stare at a large person, before breaking into peels of laughter. I've personally been told that I shouldn't be eating what I eat (salads, for goodness sake!); I shouldn't expect to be invited to join club outings and other events ("they'll have to get in a sofa for you to sit on!"); and that I should never expect to be respected! Why? Because, "they" say (here are those terrible people called "they" again) that I'm out of control! Out of control? Surely, their attitude of "out of control".

If a person is treated with disdain and rudeness constantly, it doesn't take long to erode what little self-esteem we may have.   It doesn't take long before we begin to think of ourself as less of a person than we are, and it doesn't take long before the rudeness and dislike displayed by others, takes hold and becomes part of our self-thoughts.

So plus-size people who do lose interest in themselves need to be encouraged to see themselves for who they are (and not how other people see them) and to build upon that foundation. They need those of us who have gone through the same experiences, to tell them sincerely, that they can buck the system, and discover their own true worth. And to show them in a variety of ways. 

People who don't know us or really care about us including family, can and do display bad manners and attitudes. But it's not our problem - it's their problem.   (But we too often make the mistake of thinking it's our fault and take on feelings of guilt which are unreasonable.)

Yesterday someone said to me, "well, what does it matter?" I thought about that. Because when it comes down to tin-tacks, what does it really matter?   Do these people's prejudices really matter to me?  Of course they do, but It's not that I can change their opinions.  It's more important that I look at the whole picture and see that I'm worth more than their derogatory thoughts and remarks.  I see inappropriate attitudes for what they are - discriminatory.  Those people have put labels on me (and us) based on their assumptions - and their assumptions aren't always right.

So "what does it matter" in the long run?  It doesn't.   As long as we have respect for ourselves and to others, those out-of-touch attitudes and behaviours don't (and must not) impact upon how we feel about ourselves or to erode our self-esteem.

Standing up for ourselves! Whatever age we are.

Everyone tells us what we should be doing and what we should not be doing.  They even go so far as to tell us how we should be doing and should not be doing, as well as when we should be doing and not doing.  Quite frankly it seems some people want me to become their puppet and to do as I'm told, when I'm told and how I'm told as though I were a small child and not able to think for myself.

Even as a child I had the cheek to sometimes question what adults were telling me to do, especially if I didn't feel comfortable in doing it, and more especially if it didn't feel right. If they explained the reasons and I could sense their concern for my safety or my wellbeing, then I'd fit in with what they said.

When we're adults we feel much more in control. And so it goes - the decades pass and suddenly, we're staring "growing older" in the face. And what happens? Yep, you've guessed it - people start telling us what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

This is the time when we have to stand up for ourselves. To state what we want, and how we intend to achieve it, and when we want to do it. 

I took my adult children aside last week, sat them down and told them exactly how their demands and insistance on how I behave and live my life, make me feel superfluous. You should have seen their faces and listened to their excuses. 

It seems they hadn't even thought about how I feel about things. What they saw was the fact that yes, I'm growing older, and they felt threatened by the fact they'd have to become more responsible for and to me. I've been independent for many decades, but there's always the possibility and probability that I'll have to call on them for more assistance as time goes by. But should that really impact upon my importance not only to them but to me too?

And should that mean I have to lose my ability to decide what to do, how to do it and when to do it? Definitely not!

.....© 2011 Morgana

So what is self-esteem - part II.

Liking what you look like is another part. And this is where we quite often get confused and off the rails. Because our thoughts of self-acceptance get caught up in all the hoo-haa of what the media and the fashion industry particularly say we should look like. They aren't infallible you know. They can be wrong, and they are wrong most of the time.

Let's look at magazines. If women's magazines, both nationally and internationally are for ALL women, then why don't we see women of all ages, women of all colour, women of all shapes and sizes, pictured within those magazines pages on a regular basis. That is in every issue. Not only the occasional "special" issue that highlights fashion for the plus-size. How often do you see a section dealing with older women's issues? Makeup, hints on subtle enhancements to make a woman feel special - without having to diet or consult a cosmetic surgeon for a facelift or breast implants? 

Why when speaking with editors or features journalists at leading women's magazines, are we told that "well, our readers don't want to see ageing bodies, or overweight women - they'll get offended". Excuse me! Who's offended? Surely if women of all ages, colours, shapes and sizes were seen to be typical and "natural" and included within the pages of magazines of this type, then we'd all see ourselves for who and what we are and feel good about ourselves! Isn't that what the magazine is supposed to be all about in the first place?

So what is self-esteem?

Personal lives may be affected by all sorts of people and issues that erode self-esteem. Living in an abusive situation; being "put down" by people; being ridiculed (based on looks, size and age), all these things go to wearing away our feelings of worth, until those feelings and emotions get all tangled up, and we become what THEY want. Not what we want.

Self esteem is the value or worth that you place upon yourself.

It's as simple as that. You'll find countless books in the library; seminars advertised through magazines or television; numerous courses held by reputable (and not so reputable) facilitators, as well as one-to-one consultancy, all offering to help you gain self esteem.

But do you really need to spend thousands of dollars in order to be told what, in your heart of hearts, you already know?

And what do you know? That you're an intelligent, sensible, good and kind person. Well versed in whatever profession you work under - from being a homemaker and mother; to a carer; to a business woman; to a corporate director; to a health specialist; to a bus driver; to an excavator driver; to a pilot; to a student; to a person who makes sandwiches in the local coffee shop. It doesn't matter what you do, if you do it well.

Gaining satisfaction in what you do is a major part of having self-esteem.

Why does time fly, even when you're NOT having fun?

From Morgana de Courcy


It comes as some surprise to realise it's so long between posts. Have I been busy? Well some say yes, and I say "sort of". But a lot has happened recently and I would suspect most readers would nod their heads and agree that time certainly flies.

Since writing my previous post, I've spent some time with small groups of women who are trying to get over illness; getting over family breakdowns; and trying to survive in a harsh embittered environment. The first two categories can affect all of us at any time- it doesn't only affect women who are aging or who are plus-size. But the third category falls into an area of its own. The ladies who I was privileged to meet and talk with, were all women who had struggled to overcome size discrimination. And would you believe that a couple of these women were tiny - naturally tiny women. But their stories bore out what we all know - that discrimination runs rife out there in the world and within families. They were told over and over again, that they should be ashamed of themselves for being anorexic - these women are healthy (bodysize based on their frames and heredity characteristics) who have lost a lot of their self confidence too. It was eye-opening for each of us as we discussed many instances of rudeness and insensitivity by other people based on our sizes - those who were considered "plus-size" and those who were considered to be "anorexic".

Surely we have to come to a situation of expecting acceptance from everyone around us, whatever our shape and size are? What do you think? 

What is self-esteem? That will be the subject of our next posting. But in the meantime we'd like you to think about your dreams and ambitions. Do you "dream" about doing something out of the ordinary, like starting up your own small business, or going to China to teach English as a language? Do you believe you can achieve those dreams and ambitions, or are you often filled with doubt and guilt, based on what someone says or does to you? 

We all aspire to doing something "better" in and with our lives. Even if we're hindered by circumstances and by the actions and behaviour of others, we CAN still make our lives more fulfilling and satisfying. All it takes is a whole lot of belief in our ability to know what is best for us. 

And deep down, we DO know what's best for us. Some people call it intuition or basic instincts or even "gut feelings". But in order to be seen as typical and normal in today's society, too often we shelve our own personal dreams and ambitions. What others say, and these may be family and friends, and even strangers, becomes the "norm", and we lose our sense of self in the process.

"S" Plates

What is this nonsense?

In the press recently, an article raised the suggestion that older drivers should be issued with an "S" plate that should be affixed to their car windscreens. This "S" plate would then alert other drivers that the driver of the car in question is a "senior" citizen.

Whoa a bit. We've got "P" plates for those who have just been issued a license, and then there's a Disability Permit for those who are less mobile but who are still proficient drivers (of ANY age!).

But why single out the seniors? Why not an "R" plate for Road-ragers; a "D" plate for disqualified drivers (and this is not a contradiction because far too many disqualified drivers get back into the drivers seat and commit all sorts of road breaches of law); a "B" plate for bad-tempered males (no, I'm not gender biased!); a "Sm" for smokers; a "MP" for mobile phone users (which is illegal but an awful lot of people especially young women do it); and one that my girlfriend suggested "DM" for distracted Mums.

Why are seniors considered to be a nuisance - and as a lot of the media has been pressing in recent times, a "burden" on society? It seems someone has to take the blame for what is going on in society, so let's throw it at the seniors!

This is not good enough!

DISCIPLINE!

From Morgana de Courcy:

Why does it seem so hard to become disciplined when you become an online writer? I've been creating and writing newsletters and in-house magazines for the past 40 odd years (yes - I certainly don't look my age, do I?), yet coming to grips with writing a regular blog seems to present me with obstacles.

So today I decided. Drat it - I'll pretend I know what I'm doing, and if I fall flat on my face, well so be it! There's only one thing to do if that happens, and that's to stagger back up on my feet, stand tall and try again.

Big Issues have been at the forefront of news for a long time but are increasingly rearing their heads in many insidious ways. Over the airways, the television, the printed newspapers and the internet. Most if not all, the references are that to be acceptable in today's society, you have to be slim, trim, and beautiful. That's a nice wish, but real life isn't so clearcut.

Whether that beauty is allowed to be natural is another matter, because the inference is that you will never be beautiful enough and if you want to be noticed and treated as "one of us", then you'll have to have WLS, stomach banding, botox, liposuction and the works. Noone tells us the risks involved in all these procedures - and there are some horrific stories around.

But I decided a long while ago that I would turn a deaf ear to people who tell me I "MUST" do this or that, and "MUST NOT' do other things. Who gives them the right to tell me what to do and how to live my life? Especially as I believe, as a mature aged woman, I have insights into life and its experiences that give me the right to choose for myself. That's why I agreed (if a little hesitantly at first) to speak to women's groups. When accepting speaking engagements with women's health and safety organisations, teenage school children as well as groups catering to the elderly being encouraged to stay in their own homes as long as possible, I've been humbled by the fact that they've taught me much more than I've been able to tell them.

Low self-esteem is as rife as it has ever been. And that is very sad taking into account the fact that countless motivators, facilitators and counsellors have set up their own businesses, and many are sponsored with government as well as corporate funding, and yet as just as many people as ever present as having no confidence.

You can't force people to be confident. That builds up a defence mechanism that prevents them from growing independent, and from you gaining their trust and allowing you to offer strategies to help them. What I'm not talking about are not fancy and outlandish strategies - I'm talking about simple, small steps in a journey of discovery.

It comes down to choice. And we should all enjoy fredom of choice, not matter what aspect it relates to in our life. Choice made on sound principles; choice that becomes a matter of judgement based on analysing the pros and cons of situations, and of people. If we make a bad choice, then we are intelligent enough to realise we have to accept responsibility for its outcome. We can't blame anyone else.

Discipline comes into the picture. It always does. Whether it's how much time you spend cleaning the house; attending lectures; at your desk; with your family and friends; picking up after the kids; doing what you want and what you have to do, it all comes down to disciplining yourself. The result is always rewarding, no matter what area of your life we're talking about.

I don't agree that to be acceptable we have to be slim, trim, svelte and "beautiful". Digital enhancements are everywhere - we need to be real people in a real world. If we were all the same - looked the same, were the same size and shape, the same colour, the same age, how boring the world would be!

It's up to us. We are, after all, our own best asset! With a bit of discipline and a desire to be allowed to be who we are and what we are, we can show the world (and us for that matter) that weknow and we have made our choice!

Attitudes!

For more than 21 years RoseMary's NoteBook© the newsletter, was sent to women all around the world; not only throughout Europe, the USA, Ne Zealand,  the Pacific Islands and Scandanavia to mention a few.

During all those years, and indeed even today through this blog (as well as the Australian edition of RoseMary's NoteBook© which is ongoing), we (that is the columnists as well as readers) have repeatedly encouraged women to see themselves as intelligent, articulate, healthy women first and foremost.  The fact that many of us wear this attitude in a body that may be larger than some but smaller than others, is offset by the building up of a healthy and happy self-esteem.   That's not to say that we suggest larger women ignore the taunts and jokes that abound within conversations, bad joke entertainment avenues, discrimination within the community and indeed within families and circles of friends.  We know this sort of thing is present everyday - we'd be foolish to suggest otherwise.   **

It's more a matter of rising above the discrimination, and setting our sights on something bigger and greater than trying to meet other people's unrealistic expectations, or should I say demands, relative to how one looks and that takes into account size, shape and aging.  For whether we believe it or even understand it, the majority of us have the ability and instincts to know what is best for us (when it comes to food, when it comes to how we dress, and when it comes to how we behave).  We don't have to be "told" by others; we have the knowledge already in our own beautiful minds and brains.   We just have to work on that knowledge.  In our case here it's part of our basic integrity and ethics code - to share what we know, and to encourage those who tread the path of seeking self-discovery and in time self-esteem and acceptance.  We will not enter into discussions of criticism or becoming judgemental in our dealings with women, of any age, size and shape.

For a "movement" (size acceptance and self-acceptance) that has been going and gaining momentum for more than 25 years, it comes as no small surprise (and a big disappointment) to realise that women today are as insecure, guilt ridden, self-loathing and hating their bodies and their minds to some extent, as we were 25 years ago.   I hope I'm not being biased here, but in my dealings with women's groups, health groups, motivational seminars and conferences, I find that today's women have become so "angry" that their minds are taken up with such hostility and aggressiveness against society and almost everyone in it, that they lose their own dignity.

And the quickest way to lose their dignity is the way they speak and talk.  I've been in conversation with so many women who look and act with a certain amount of intelligence but when they open their mouths I shudder.   The English language is a beautiful language and yet it can be dragged through the mud so easily by today's women (of all ages, mind you) who resort to what used to commonly be called "gutter language".    It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, this is where a lot of conversation plummets to.   People say that we here are prejudiced, but I ask you - honestly.   If words offend during a conversation or discussion, then it is natural for anyone to "turn off" both the subject matter and the person speaking.

You see, time can be wasted in listening to people who are obviously not interested in attitudes. Their attitude to their listeners is arrogance, and in fact they show no respect towards themselves.

Is this a "modern" phenomana?    I can't really say without research, but this I do know personally.   I have never come across or been subjected to torrents of words that describe nothing but language which I wouldn't condone or accept from my children or grandchildren (in my presence) let alone my friends, as I have done during the past 5 years.   What does that say?   To me, sadly it says that those of us who made inroads into building up healthy and happy confidence in women, as well as presenting courses and books (including newsletters) over all this time we find we are now being treated with disdain and indifference by many of those we have attempted to help.  We're told we should "get over it" and not only accept this type of language, but to actually use it so that "women understand what you're talking about!"   If women can't understand plain English, then I wonder what's going on.

I hope I'm wrong and that things will change.

**  We'd hasten to include here those lovely readers who are petite - tiny, small, short, who experience similar discriminations as the larger woman.  Their discomfort and pain is just as intense, and it behoves us to recognise that there are many women of all sizes and ages who are treated unfairly and badly by people who really don't care a darn about their feelings.   Respect seems to be an old-fashoned word that no-one wants to use, let alone to understand the meaning of.

Different shades and tones

Winter time seems to equate with being dull!   I'm not only talking about the weather here, because you'll have noticed, I'm sure, that most of the clothing in the store windows as well as the majority of Australian websites providing especially plus-size fashion, are terribly dull,  boring and nothing looks different to anything else on offer!

Many of the Australian suppliers have realised the market for the younger plus-size woman which has been a long time coming, but now that it's arrived, it is very welcome.  This takes into account the woman in her 20s right through the adult years.  In fact many mature and older women take advantage of this clothing as well.  It's affordable, it's wearable, and it has a slightly "modern" touch to it.

But if you look at things realistically, you'll see that many of the styles particularly tee shirts and longer tops, even though one might have an uneven hem slanting in one direction while another goes the opposite direction, there's still a sameness about everything.

And where are the colours?    Why do suppliers expect us all to wear - black, dark grey, denim blue, with white tops broken by black vests and the like, without wanting the shouting of colour - all the time?   Oh yes, some of the suppliers include a red cardigan or red tee in their range, but why can't we have other colours?  Many of us have to liven and lighten our darker clothing with bright, sassy scarves or handknits to lift our winter-look.

Then I found this small local supplier - Wrapt Ya!   http://www.wraptya.com.au/    It's all a matter of "looking" around to see what is available outside of the usual/expected providers - and to be pleasantly surprised at what you find.    Often Wrapt Ya! will take a colour and then expand upon it by using different tonings and shades of that colour to build up an outfit of interest.

Winter has arrived!

Well, officially it's Winter here.  Many of my friends over in the States are experiencing all the joys and discomforts of summer and it's accompanying heat, rashes, "how to keep cool", and all the other things associated with summer!

For the first three days of winter, we've had the most beautiful sunny days - bright blue skies, just a semblance of a gentle breeze catching the tops of the trees.  Yes, the days are getting shorter, and once the sun goes down, the chill rises, and rises quickly.   We've also been told by the so-called weather experts to expect sleet, rain, and even snow either at the weekend or early next week.  Brrr.    That means rummaging through the wardrobe to find that extra bulky cardigan in anticipation.

My friend asked me to go with her to a small presentation of the latest "Postie Fashions" selection the other night.    It has been some years since I saw the range, but once again I was impressed with what I saw.  Importantly I was "taken" by the fact that their garments are "made in Australia".   Sizes go from 6 through to 28 and if you are in the market for a couple of nice new garments, then why not visit their website at  http://www.postie.com.au/index.html