What does it matter?

I do a lot of observing. I look around me and see a lot of things that don't make sense. Like - why do people of size lose interest in themselves? (I am plus-size, so I know what the majority of them are feeling.)

It only takes a moment or two however to see how other people treat the plus-size, to realise just how little respect is sometimes given them. In fact I've seen people stop talking in mid-sentence and turn around to stare at a large person, before breaking into peels of laughter. I've personally been told that I shouldn't be eating what I eat (salads, for goodness sake!); I shouldn't expect to be invited to join club outings and other events ("they'll have to get in a sofa for you to sit on!"); and that I should never expect to be respected! Why? Because, "they" say (here are those terrible people called "they" again) that I'm out of control! Out of control? Surely, their attitude of "out of control".

If a person is treated with disdain and rudeness constantly, it doesn't take long to erode what little self-esteem we may have.   It doesn't take long before we begin to think of ourself as less of a person than we are, and it doesn't take long before the rudeness and dislike displayed by others, takes hold and becomes part of our self-thoughts.

So plus-size people who do lose interest in themselves need to be encouraged to see themselves for who they are (and not how other people see them) and to build upon that foundation. They need those of us who have gone through the same experiences, to tell them sincerely, that they can buck the system, and discover their own true worth. And to show them in a variety of ways. 

People who don't know us or really care about us including family, can and do display bad manners and attitudes. But it's not our problem - it's their problem.   (But we too often make the mistake of thinking it's our fault and take on feelings of guilt which are unreasonable.)

Yesterday someone said to me, "well, what does it matter?" I thought about that. Because when it comes down to tin-tacks, what does it really matter?   Do these people's prejudices really matter to me?  Of course they do, but It's not that I can change their opinions.  It's more important that I look at the whole picture and see that I'm worth more than their derogatory thoughts and remarks.  I see inappropriate attitudes for what they are - discriminatory.  Those people have put labels on me (and us) based on their assumptions - and their assumptions aren't always right.

So "what does it matter" in the long run?  It doesn't.   As long as we have respect for ourselves and to others, those out-of-touch attitudes and behaviours don't (and must not) impact upon how we feel about ourselves or to erode our self-esteem.

Standing up for ourselves! Whatever age we are.

Everyone tells us what we should be doing and what we should not be doing.  They even go so far as to tell us how we should be doing and should not be doing, as well as when we should be doing and not doing.  Quite frankly it seems some people want me to become their puppet and to do as I'm told, when I'm told and how I'm told as though I were a small child and not able to think for myself.

Even as a child I had the cheek to sometimes question what adults were telling me to do, especially if I didn't feel comfortable in doing it, and more especially if it didn't feel right. If they explained the reasons and I could sense their concern for my safety or my wellbeing, then I'd fit in with what they said.

When we're adults we feel much more in control. And so it goes - the decades pass and suddenly, we're staring "growing older" in the face. And what happens? Yep, you've guessed it - people start telling us what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

This is the time when we have to stand up for ourselves. To state what we want, and how we intend to achieve it, and when we want to do it. 

I took my adult children aside last week, sat them down and told them exactly how their demands and insistance on how I behave and live my life, make me feel superfluous. You should have seen their faces and listened to their excuses. 

It seems they hadn't even thought about how I feel about things. What they saw was the fact that yes, I'm growing older, and they felt threatened by the fact they'd have to become more responsible for and to me. I've been independent for many decades, but there's always the possibility and probability that I'll have to call on them for more assistance as time goes by. But should that really impact upon my importance not only to them but to me too?

And should that mean I have to lose my ability to decide what to do, how to do it and when to do it? Definitely not!

.....© 2011 Morgana

So what is self-esteem - part II.

Liking what you look like is another part. And this is where we quite often get confused and off the rails. Because our thoughts of self-acceptance get caught up in all the hoo-haa of what the media and the fashion industry particularly say we should look like. They aren't infallible you know. They can be wrong, and they are wrong most of the time.

Let's look at magazines. If women's magazines, both nationally and internationally are for ALL women, then why don't we see women of all ages, women of all colour, women of all shapes and sizes, pictured within those magazines pages on a regular basis. That is in every issue. Not only the occasional "special" issue that highlights fashion for the plus-size. How often do you see a section dealing with older women's issues? Makeup, hints on subtle enhancements to make a woman feel special - without having to diet or consult a cosmetic surgeon for a facelift or breast implants? 

Why when speaking with editors or features journalists at leading women's magazines, are we told that "well, our readers don't want to see ageing bodies, or overweight women - they'll get offended". Excuse me! Who's offended? Surely if women of all ages, colours, shapes and sizes were seen to be typical and "natural" and included within the pages of magazines of this type, then we'd all see ourselves for who and what we are and feel good about ourselves! Isn't that what the magazine is supposed to be all about in the first place?

So what is self-esteem?

Personal lives may be affected by all sorts of people and issues that erode self-esteem. Living in an abusive situation; being "put down" by people; being ridiculed (based on looks, size and age), all these things go to wearing away our feelings of worth, until those feelings and emotions get all tangled up, and we become what THEY want. Not what we want.

Self esteem is the value or worth that you place upon yourself.

It's as simple as that. You'll find countless books in the library; seminars advertised through magazines or television; numerous courses held by reputable (and not so reputable) facilitators, as well as one-to-one consultancy, all offering to help you gain self esteem.

But do you really need to spend thousands of dollars in order to be told what, in your heart of hearts, you already know?

And what do you know? That you're an intelligent, sensible, good and kind person. Well versed in whatever profession you work under - from being a homemaker and mother; to a carer; to a business woman; to a corporate director; to a health specialist; to a bus driver; to an excavator driver; to a pilot; to a student; to a person who makes sandwiches in the local coffee shop. It doesn't matter what you do, if you do it well.

Gaining satisfaction in what you do is a major part of having self-esteem.

Why does time fly, even when you're NOT having fun?

From Morgana de Courcy


It comes as some surprise to realise it's so long between posts. Have I been busy? Well some say yes, and I say "sort of". But a lot has happened recently and I would suspect most readers would nod their heads and agree that time certainly flies.

Since writing my previous post, I've spent some time with small groups of women who are trying to get over illness; getting over family breakdowns; and trying to survive in a harsh embittered environment. The first two categories can affect all of us at any time- it doesn't only affect women who are aging or who are plus-size. But the third category falls into an area of its own. The ladies who I was privileged to meet and talk with, were all women who had struggled to overcome size discrimination. And would you believe that a couple of these women were tiny - naturally tiny women. But their stories bore out what we all know - that discrimination runs rife out there in the world and within families. They were told over and over again, that they should be ashamed of themselves for being anorexic - these women are healthy (bodysize based on their frames and heredity characteristics) who have lost a lot of their self confidence too. It was eye-opening for each of us as we discussed many instances of rudeness and insensitivity by other people based on our sizes - those who were considered "plus-size" and those who were considered to be "anorexic".

Surely we have to come to a situation of expecting acceptance from everyone around us, whatever our shape and size are? What do you think? 

What is self-esteem? That will be the subject of our next posting. But in the meantime we'd like you to think about your dreams and ambitions. Do you "dream" about doing something out of the ordinary, like starting up your own small business, or going to China to teach English as a language? Do you believe you can achieve those dreams and ambitions, or are you often filled with doubt and guilt, based on what someone says or does to you? 

We all aspire to doing something "better" in and with our lives. Even if we're hindered by circumstances and by the actions and behaviour of others, we CAN still make our lives more fulfilling and satisfying. All it takes is a whole lot of belief in our ability to know what is best for us. 

And deep down, we DO know what's best for us. Some people call it intuition or basic instincts or even "gut feelings". But in order to be seen as typical and normal in today's society, too often we shelve our own personal dreams and ambitions. What others say, and these may be family and friends, and even strangers, becomes the "norm", and we lose our sense of self in the process.

"S" Plates

What is this nonsense?

In the press recently, an article raised the suggestion that older drivers should be issued with an "S" plate that should be affixed to their car windscreens. This "S" plate would then alert other drivers that the driver of the car in question is a "senior" citizen.

Whoa a bit. We've got "P" plates for those who have just been issued a license, and then there's a Disability Permit for those who are less mobile but who are still proficient drivers (of ANY age!).

But why single out the seniors? Why not an "R" plate for Road-ragers; a "D" plate for disqualified drivers (and this is not a contradiction because far too many disqualified drivers get back into the drivers seat and commit all sorts of road breaches of law); a "B" plate for bad-tempered males (no, I'm not gender biased!); a "Sm" for smokers; a "MP" for mobile phone users (which is illegal but an awful lot of people especially young women do it); and one that my girlfriend suggested "DM" for distracted Mums.

Why are seniors considered to be a nuisance - and as a lot of the media has been pressing in recent times, a "burden" on society? It seems someone has to take the blame for what is going on in society, so let's throw it at the seniors!

This is not good enough!

DISCIPLINE!

From Morgana de Courcy:

Why does it seem so hard to become disciplined when you become an online writer? I've been creating and writing newsletters and in-house magazines for the past 40 odd years (yes - I certainly don't look my age, do I?), yet coming to grips with writing a regular blog seems to present me with obstacles.

So today I decided. Drat it - I'll pretend I know what I'm doing, and if I fall flat on my face, well so be it! There's only one thing to do if that happens, and that's to stagger back up on my feet, stand tall and try again.

Big Issues have been at the forefront of news for a long time but are increasingly rearing their heads in many insidious ways. Over the airways, the television, the printed newspapers and the internet. Most if not all, the references are that to be acceptable in today's society, you have to be slim, trim, and beautiful. That's a nice wish, but real life isn't so clearcut.

Whether that beauty is allowed to be natural is another matter, because the inference is that you will never be beautiful enough and if you want to be noticed and treated as "one of us", then you'll have to have WLS, stomach banding, botox, liposuction and the works. Noone tells us the risks involved in all these procedures - and there are some horrific stories around.

But I decided a long while ago that I would turn a deaf ear to people who tell me I "MUST" do this or that, and "MUST NOT' do other things. Who gives them the right to tell me what to do and how to live my life? Especially as I believe, as a mature aged woman, I have insights into life and its experiences that give me the right to choose for myself. That's why I agreed (if a little hesitantly at first) to speak to women's groups. When accepting speaking engagements with women's health and safety organisations, teenage school children as well as groups catering to the elderly being encouraged to stay in their own homes as long as possible, I've been humbled by the fact that they've taught me much more than I've been able to tell them.

Low self-esteem is as rife as it has ever been. And that is very sad taking into account the fact that countless motivators, facilitators and counsellors have set up their own businesses, and many are sponsored with government as well as corporate funding, and yet as just as many people as ever present as having no confidence.

You can't force people to be confident. That builds up a defence mechanism that prevents them from growing independent, and from you gaining their trust and allowing you to offer strategies to help them. What I'm not talking about are not fancy and outlandish strategies - I'm talking about simple, small steps in a journey of discovery.

It comes down to choice. And we should all enjoy fredom of choice, not matter what aspect it relates to in our life. Choice made on sound principles; choice that becomes a matter of judgement based on analysing the pros and cons of situations, and of people. If we make a bad choice, then we are intelligent enough to realise we have to accept responsibility for its outcome. We can't blame anyone else.

Discipline comes into the picture. It always does. Whether it's how much time you spend cleaning the house; attending lectures; at your desk; with your family and friends; picking up after the kids; doing what you want and what you have to do, it all comes down to disciplining yourself. The result is always rewarding, no matter what area of your life we're talking about.

I don't agree that to be acceptable we have to be slim, trim, svelte and "beautiful". Digital enhancements are everywhere - we need to be real people in a real world. If we were all the same - looked the same, were the same size and shape, the same colour, the same age, how boring the world would be!

It's up to us. We are, after all, our own best asset! With a bit of discipline and a desire to be allowed to be who we are and what we are, we can show the world (and us for that matter) that weknow and we have made our choice!

Attitudes!

For more than 21 years RoseMary's NoteBook© the newsletter, was sent to women all around the world; not only throughout Europe, the USA, Ne Zealand,  the Pacific Islands and Scandanavia to mention a few.

During all those years, and indeed even today through this blog (as well as the Australian edition of RoseMary's NoteBook© which is ongoing), we (that is the columnists as well as readers) have repeatedly encouraged women to see themselves as intelligent, articulate, healthy women first and foremost.  The fact that many of us wear this attitude in a body that may be larger than some but smaller than others, is offset by the building up of a healthy and happy self-esteem.   That's not to say that we suggest larger women ignore the taunts and jokes that abound within conversations, bad joke entertainment avenues, discrimination within the community and indeed within families and circles of friends.  We know this sort of thing is present everyday - we'd be foolish to suggest otherwise.   **

It's more a matter of rising above the discrimination, and setting our sights on something bigger and greater than trying to meet other people's unrealistic expectations, or should I say demands, relative to how one looks and that takes into account size, shape and aging.  For whether we believe it or even understand it, the majority of us have the ability and instincts to know what is best for us (when it comes to food, when it comes to how we dress, and when it comes to how we behave).  We don't have to be "told" by others; we have the knowledge already in our own beautiful minds and brains.   We just have to work on that knowledge.  In our case here it's part of our basic integrity and ethics code - to share what we know, and to encourage those who tread the path of seeking self-discovery and in time self-esteem and acceptance.  We will not enter into discussions of criticism or becoming judgemental in our dealings with women, of any age, size and shape.

For a "movement" (size acceptance and self-acceptance) that has been going and gaining momentum for more than 25 years, it comes as no small surprise (and a big disappointment) to realise that women today are as insecure, guilt ridden, self-loathing and hating their bodies and their minds to some extent, as we were 25 years ago.   I hope I'm not being biased here, but in my dealings with women's groups, health groups, motivational seminars and conferences, I find that today's women have become so "angry" that their minds are taken up with such hostility and aggressiveness against society and almost everyone in it, that they lose their own dignity.

And the quickest way to lose their dignity is the way they speak and talk.  I've been in conversation with so many women who look and act with a certain amount of intelligence but when they open their mouths I shudder.   The English language is a beautiful language and yet it can be dragged through the mud so easily by today's women (of all ages, mind you) who resort to what used to commonly be called "gutter language".    It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, this is where a lot of conversation plummets to.   People say that we here are prejudiced, but I ask you - honestly.   If words offend during a conversation or discussion, then it is natural for anyone to "turn off" both the subject matter and the person speaking.

You see, time can be wasted in listening to people who are obviously not interested in attitudes. Their attitude to their listeners is arrogance, and in fact they show no respect towards themselves.

Is this a "modern" phenomana?    I can't really say without research, but this I do know personally.   I have never come across or been subjected to torrents of words that describe nothing but language which I wouldn't condone or accept from my children or grandchildren (in my presence) let alone my friends, as I have done during the past 5 years.   What does that say?   To me, sadly it says that those of us who made inroads into building up healthy and happy confidence in women, as well as presenting courses and books (including newsletters) over all this time we find we are now being treated with disdain and indifference by many of those we have attempted to help.  We're told we should "get over it" and not only accept this type of language, but to actually use it so that "women understand what you're talking about!"   If women can't understand plain English, then I wonder what's going on.

I hope I'm wrong and that things will change.

**  We'd hasten to include here those lovely readers who are petite - tiny, small, short, who experience similar discriminations as the larger woman.  Their discomfort and pain is just as intense, and it behoves us to recognise that there are many women of all sizes and ages who are treated unfairly and badly by people who really don't care a darn about their feelings.   Respect seems to be an old-fashoned word that no-one wants to use, let alone to understand the meaning of.

Different shades and tones

Winter time seems to equate with being dull!   I'm not only talking about the weather here, because you'll have noticed, I'm sure, that most of the clothing in the store windows as well as the majority of Australian websites providing especially plus-size fashion, are terribly dull,  boring and nothing looks different to anything else on offer!

Many of the Australian suppliers have realised the market for the younger plus-size woman which has been a long time coming, but now that it's arrived, it is very welcome.  This takes into account the woman in her 20s right through the adult years.  In fact many mature and older women take advantage of this clothing as well.  It's affordable, it's wearable, and it has a slightly "modern" touch to it.

But if you look at things realistically, you'll see that many of the styles particularly tee shirts and longer tops, even though one might have an uneven hem slanting in one direction while another goes the opposite direction, there's still a sameness about everything.

And where are the colours?    Why do suppliers expect us all to wear - black, dark grey, denim blue, with white tops broken by black vests and the like, without wanting the shouting of colour - all the time?   Oh yes, some of the suppliers include a red cardigan or red tee in their range, but why can't we have other colours?  Many of us have to liven and lighten our darker clothing with bright, sassy scarves or handknits to lift our winter-look.

Then I found this small local supplier - Wrapt Ya!   http://www.wraptya.com.au/    It's all a matter of "looking" around to see what is available outside of the usual/expected providers - and to be pleasantly surprised at what you find.    Often Wrapt Ya! will take a colour and then expand upon it by using different tonings and shades of that colour to build up an outfit of interest.

Winter has arrived!

Well, officially it's Winter here.  Many of my friends over in the States are experiencing all the joys and discomforts of summer and it's accompanying heat, rashes, "how to keep cool", and all the other things associated with summer!

For the first three days of winter, we've had the most beautiful sunny days - bright blue skies, just a semblance of a gentle breeze catching the tops of the trees.  Yes, the days are getting shorter, and once the sun goes down, the chill rises, and rises quickly.   We've also been told by the so-called weather experts to expect sleet, rain, and even snow either at the weekend or early next week.  Brrr.    That means rummaging through the wardrobe to find that extra bulky cardigan in anticipation.

My friend asked me to go with her to a small presentation of the latest "Postie Fashions" selection the other night.    It has been some years since I saw the range, but once again I was impressed with what I saw.  Importantly I was "taken" by the fact that their garments are "made in Australia".   Sizes go from 6 through to 28 and if you are in the market for a couple of nice new garments, then why not visit their website at  http://www.postie.com.au/index.html

Is fashion going a little crazy?

We all know that what goes around comes around.  Take for instance the elastic waist-cincher of the 1960s - the young women of today are wearing this belt, thinking, naturally, that they "discovered" it!   Mind you, if we go further back into fashion history there's no doubt this same small accessory would most likely have been a part of every woman's wardrobe decades if not centuries earlier!  So we didn't "discover" it either!

But have you seen some of the modern shoes that women are tottering around on?  Honestly one small slip and they'd break every bone in their ankle, but "it's fashion" and what young woman likes to be told that she should "consider wearing much smaller heels or in fact going into flats for everyday wear"?   No one I know.

But when a woman has to be led, quite literally, by the hand of her partner, so that she may stay upright while walking, this gets a bit strange - especially after an evening of nightclubbing, dining and the occasional drink.   I saw one young woman being led this way, only to trip over a small paving step at he entrance of the hotel where I was staying.  Both of them crashed to the floor and the woman had to be taken to hospital having injured both feet.   I wonder just how she got on.  She certainly didn't enjoy the evening out, which apparently was a friend's engagement party!

So I thought you'd be amused, or even seriously confused, at seeing a couple of photos I've just received of the "latest" shoes from Asia.   I can't imagine them being here in Australia, but who knows?  Someone will get the bright idea that there's a market, and women will just as easily fall into the trap of believing that they'll look a million dollars and be ahead in the fashion stakes if they "indulge" or invest in this modern footwear.

A sense of balance!

What a wonderful world.   Here we are in Australia in mid-Autumn, experiencing shorter days, grey, grey skies, showers and sometimes storms; cold frosty mornings and chilly evenings.   Our sisters on the other side of the world are experiencing summer heat and all sorts of discomfort associated with getting too hot getting too "sweaty" and the consequences of fungal infections.  

But it's good to keep a healthy sense of balance.   One subject that has cropped up again with many of my US friends is how to deal with excessive perspiration.  While there are many "solutions" put forward, and I've certainly tried a number of them over the years without any success, (ie calamine lotion; cornflour etc) there is one product that I've found to be most helpful.  And it doesn't matter if it's summer weather or winter - the product still works wonderfully well.

The product is called Prantal Powder, an aluminium free antiperspirant.     It dries without clogging and is pleasant to use.

Another aspect of controlling perspiration is a very simple one, and one which has worked for many of my friends and me in fact.   It is NOT to use any deodorant at all - that product merely clogs up the perspiration ducts, and eventually becomes stale, adding to the problems.    Now to many women the thought of not using a deodorant causes concern, but honestly, becoming more aware of a "natural" sweet body perfume soon persuades most that they should never have started the deodorant walk in the first place.

Small annoyances!

Yes.  I've been caught up in a series of weird happenings with my faithful Apple computer.   I closed down one evening only to find the very next morning that everything had returned to the initial default (factory default).   Years of data and material became convoluted and ran into many hiding areas within the hard drive, and this even taxed the "professional" technicians.  So I've been off-line;  I've been unable to keep up with the blog, and I've felt thoroughly isolated and miserable.   That's what modern technology does to us - makes us dependent and reliant on itself for our satisfaction and happiness.

But I don't intend to sit in a corner and mope about it.  It's autumn time here - the "return" to early signs of autumn were encouraging with mild weather, beautiful autumn tints and sunshiny skies.  These are now settling into mid autumn with the promise that colder (much colder) weather is on its way.

I've been looking around to see what fabulous fashion is out there for us, especially the curvaceous woman, but I can't see anything that isn't a re-working of what has been for the past couple of years.  Where is the imagination these days?  (I'm not referring to many of the American designers and suppliers because somehow they just come up trumps with ideas and new designs.)   I cannot believe that here in Australia we don't have eager and "daring" designers who have an appreciation and understanding of the rounder female form, and who are enthusiastic about providing sensational outfits and clothing.  I'm particularly thinking of some of our beautiful ethnic and indigenous women.  Where are they hiding?

I'm not being pedantic, but quite honestly if I look through my wardrobe at some of the "favourites" that I've been wearing and keeping for years now, I see garments that are still flattering to me (which because they are made well still fit, even though my body shape has undergone some "changes").   It comes back to good design, good workmanship, good fabric and good care.

And I'm a great one for believing that just because the weather is colder that we shouldn't bury ourselves in dark, dingy, dull and despairing colours.   Even layering of a number of pastel colours will keep you warm - think Summer/Spring during Autumn/Winter!

Acceptance!

finding acceptance within ourselves

- it’s easier than you think

      

It’s not uncommon for us to sometimes wonder why we feel “alone” in our fluctuating feelings of “acceptance” and “non-acceptance”. It’s a part of life and no one is immune from it.  

It’s also not uncommon for women, plus-size women, to feel as though we’ll never amount to very much, unless we lose weight or even undergo cosmetic surgery to "look good".  There’s an unsaid statement, by society including the media and the fashion industry, that  we HAVE to toe their line otherwise we’ll always be on the sidelines, overlooked and walked upon.   Of course even if we do lose weight to meet their demands, quite often we find we’re still standing on the outskirts of “accedptability” because we have at one time been “fat”, or maybe after losing weight, we’ve managed to put on a bit again!   We can never satisfy these people, and for many, me included, we have no inclination to continue trying to do the impossible.

It’s always worth while taking the time to think about and look at other women who have overcome obstacles and come out winners.   Maybe the circumstances are different under under which these women have fought to become recognised as business women;  or intelligent women within society - medicine, writing, art, the theatre, television, tradeswomen, holding senior positions within corporations or defense forces, police/fire/and ambulance heads of departments if not the “top” person; in politics, science, education, and countless other professions, but they all have one thing in common.  They are women; equipped with all manner of intelligence, experience, expertise and know-how. They’ve seen their own potential, they’ve set their own goals, and they’’ve gone ahead to achieve those goals.

Then there are those women who describe themselves as being “JUST” a housewife, or mother, or daughter, who because of today’s society not recognising or appreciating women in whatever role they play or choose, not necessarily head-line or newsworthy names,  are seen as not being successes.   Let me tell you, they are as much a success as any woman who climbs the corporate ladder and leads a reputable company to million dollar profits, or dare I say it, becomes Prime Minister!

So it is with the plus-size woman.  Many are not hindered in their setting of goals;  just as many are the recipients of rude and down-putting attitudes and behaviour of others in the community, sometimes even friends and yes, family.

We have the power to stand up for ourselves (without becoming militant);  we have the skills to prove our worth in whatever endeavour we set out to do;  we can climb mountains, we can swim the English Channel if we want to.   We can be worthy and valuable human beings.   We can inspire and mentor others;  we can aspire to new heights for our own personal development.  Nothing is impossible.  Again let me say, nothing is impossible - if you want it with a passion.   

And that’s what is missing out in a lot of people’s lives.  Passion.  And I’m not only talking about passion such as love and sex.  I’m talking about wanting something so much that you will stretch yourself and your mind to achieve it.   You’ll go the extra mile, for yourself.

And the result (even if you’re not the winner of the race, or the one who receives the Woman of the Year Award) will be a feeling of “yes, I’ve done my best and I feel good about that”.

So finding acceptance WITHIN ourselves is surely enough motivation for us to strive, ever forward, in whatever we do, wherever we are at any point in time.

What it comes down to is being content with who andwhat we are.  And being kind to ourselves.  Don’t pile guilt upon guilt onto our own shoulders, just because other people tell us we’re not perfect.  Are they?   Seriously, are they?

We can’t be categorised as being one thing or another, because we’re unique.   Let me say that again - we are uniquely formed and we are uniquely different to each other.  If we pursue the unrealistic dream of becoming a clone of someone else, then we’ve lost the plot.  They can’t become us, and we shouldn’t waste time in trying to become them.  You are you, and I am me.  Surely that’s enough to be proud of.

The "movement" towards size acceptance continues to gain momentum

Women of size, all around the world, are discovering what it is to be in control of their lives and to face out-of-date attitudes.  Taking control is definitely NOT "losing" control though. Self confidence combined with self-assurance and the knowing that we really do know what is best for us, can empower us to tread lightly but firmly on the path of total self and size acceptance.

 

For some, it's a daily struggle to maintain a "positive" attitude in a society that feeds upon blame and guilt associated with those who are deemed plus-size.   The media is blatantly discriminatory but will never admit to it.  Excuses abound and you and I are no longer persuaded to see their point of view.   

 

Here in Victoria, Australia, which is the only State so far to have introduced legislation against physical discrimination, there have been 365 cases of discrimination on the basis of physical features (including those based on a person's weight) in the past five years.  ("Woman's Day, April 19, 2010).    This does not, of course, take into account the many thousands of cases that never come out into the open.

It is not legal to be turned away from a job, told you are too fat to shop in a particular outlet, denied a promotion, knocked back from a club or bar or suffer humiliation because you don't measure up to someone else's ideal of what you should look like (Victorian Equal Opportunity Rights Commissioner) 

But that doesn't make sense because in real life, people ARE turned away from jobs, they are MADE to feel out of place in specific shopping outlets, they ARE denied promotions, they ARE subjected to humiliation - by innuendo, jokes or straight out verbal abuse  (and they're not being over-sensitive in claiming that it's because of their weight).  It happens too often and to too many for it to be simple imagination!

There is bias in our society, and it's about time that we were judged less and understood more.

The first step is up to us.   To discover our own worth and value; to live by and with those values; and to believe in ourselves.  Then it's up to others to accept us as we are.  If they can't or don't want to, then that is their problem, not ours, and even though it might be hard to do, we may have to turn away from those people (even if they are family or so-called friends) and find other ways and means of handling our lives.

We should never become puppets to a society that dislikes the plus-size so much.

Telemarketing ploys! and SUMMER FASHION PLUS SIZE

If you're like me, you probably get these annoying phone calls quite regularly.   They take up time, especially when you're waiting for an important call from someone else, but more importantly for someone who lives alone you feel somewhat "threatened".   The fact that there's no one at the other end of the phone makes you imagine all sorts of things.

Michelle, the daughter of one of our group, told her Mum that this was the best way to deal with these calls.   Whether it works can only be gauged by the fact of whether these calls become less and less, but it could be worth trying.

It seems that this is a telemarketing technique where a machine (read: computer?)  makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real-life' sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call, and it kicks your number out of their system.

SUMMER FASHION PLUS SIZE
Just discovered this youtube and while "summer fashion" may differ a little each year, this is quite an interesting video.  Well designed clothes quite often can be "in" whatever the year!

Having it All!

You'll often hear someone say this. Whether it's in conversation, or else in your favourite women's magazine. And they usually add, "and you too can have it all, all you have to do is ..........." The list is endless - you know the sort of thing. Lose weight. Do something with your hair. Why not have some liposuction? Botox, my dear, that's the answer. You shouldn't eat this particular food. You're not bringing your children up the right way. Do this, do that, and do everything we say, and then "you can have it all!"

Have you ever wondered whether these people know what they're saying? Or what they're telling us to do? And who are "they"? Have you ever met them? What gives "them" the right to tell us how to lead our lives, and what we do and how we do it?

Sub-consciously many of us have "listened" to these words that run around in our heads. We've agreed that we should do as "they" say, because then we WILL be accepted, we will be seen as being important or valuable, and we WILL have it all!

But do you truly believe that this is the answer? Why have we wasted time listening to propaganda that is based on untruths?

Let's start at the beginning. Most, if not all, the people who tell us what to do and how to live our lives are women. Right? Doesn't that strike you as strange? And when you think about it a little deeper, doesn't it make you wonder why women have this "thing" about telling other women where they're wrong? Are their own lives so perfect?

I'm one of many who foolishly "listened" to these apparent knowledgeable women, and journalists and features editors of women's magazines over the years, until ....... One day I realised that I'd probably had more experience than they had; I'd gained more knowledge on the same subjects that they tackled; and I'd learned how to cope and adapt to changing circumstances within my life, that they wouldn't even know about. And because of that I had insights and the ability to know what is best for me. Even to how I look, what I wear and what I eat.

What a discovery. From that day I've been able to read women's magazines and listen to women expounding on how everyone else should lead their lives, and wonder (and ask them when possible) have they successfully found contentment within themselves? Have they done everything they've been told to do by others? Have they not been true to themselves, but allowed others to manipulate them into being and living as someone who they are not?

The lesson for me was this. As a child I sought education. I used that education in the pursuit of knowledge. With the gaining of knowledge and now experience, I can share with other women. I will not tell them that I what I know, and what I have learned are the answers for them. But I can assure them that in sharing what I do know, I am allowing them the opportunity of searching for answers for themselves.

For we need to be the captains of our own ships. Women today, especially younger ones, have higher education and career opportunities than women of 50 years ago. Women in many areas of society are treated equally and expect to be independent including financially secure. But there are still many who are held back by the thought that they are not seen as being "equal" or "accepted" by other women.

I'm told that women have never had it so good. Why do I complain? Why don't I just sit still and accept the fact that things are as good as they'll get? I'll tell you why. Because women aren't getting as good as they deserve. Not at all. And unfortunately our worst enemies are more often than not, other women.

Why should we believe we're asking for more than we deserve? Surely every one of us deserves to be treated with utmost respect and courtesy, from everyone we come in contact with.

"Having it All" is a little too ambitious; it's probably impossible. Having "enough" is more to the point. Because then you're not striving to get more than you need, which in turn could make you pompous and arrogant. And anyway, "having it all" means that there's nothing to aim for, no goals to set, no dreams to be fulfilled. How boring!

© 2011 Morgana

Are we being over-critical?

A group of us were talking this morning over our Saturday morning coffee get-together.  The subject, of course, came around to the Royal Wedding yesterday.   Then Jane mentioned our Prime Minister, Julia Gillard and her outfit worn for the wedding.

Ms Gillard has been visiting world dignatories over the past week or so.  She was a guest at the Royal Wedding and had a one-on-one audience with the Queen afterwards.   Well, she is Prime Minister after all.

Last week Gai Waterhouse (and other women who are respected as high fashion exponents) commented on the fact that maybe our Julia needs a little bit of help in the choice of her fashion apparel.  They also mentioned her hair style, (she does have a live-in hairdresser to call upon!), but that doesn’t fail her as much as her dress sense according to many women. 

But has it occurred to you, as it most definitely has to us, that Julia’s dressmaker seems to have only one pattern (perhaps Butterick had a special deal on that particular pattern last year?) which she uses to make all Julia’s jackets?   Surely the position of Prime Minister would include a few experts in the art of dressmanship, colour co-ordination as well as styles and designs to suit her shape and figure?   The creamy, silver jacket chosen for her outfit of the day for the Royal Wedding was by Perth designer Aurelio Costarella, but was it really so different in styling to her normal every-day jackets? 

Have a look at a few pics taken from the internet (copyright remains the owners' property in all cases) and see if you agree.  

We all know that women in the public eye find themselves at the mercy of journalists and reporters and it must be difficult to please everyone all the time.  But "position" also dictates that fashion sense if not evident at first, can be learned and put into action.   "Make-overs" occur every day of the week, and they can be the difference between mediocre and stunning!    So are we being too critical?

The Wedding!

Hundreds of thousands of words have been used to describe the event of the year (so far!), and hundreds of thousands more will be spoken and read about in the days, weeks, months to come.

How does one compare with the journalists and photographers from all around the world?  I'm not going to try.  Other than to say - the wedding was refined, dignified, simple and elegant.  The groom, the bride, the dress, the actual ceremony (how beautifully old-fashioned it was with only the word "cherish" cast aside in preference to something along the lines of "caring" - which is very much the same don't you think?)  The delicate little flower girls and the handsome little page boys, all so well behaved.  The BBC telecast was first class (as one would expect) with none of the "ocker" nonsense that many of the Australian commentators came across with - no, I'm not being overly critical, but .....)

I watched the event on television and then walked in to my computer and found (literally within seconds) photographs and the ceremony "ver batim" on the internet - modern technology, what can you say?   So here are a couple of photographs from the Telegraph, UK - full copyright to them, of course.

We wish them much happiness and joy - they certainly deserve it.

Turning off and tuning out!

The latest subject to hit the bookshelves deals with etiquette.  Yes, that old-fashioned word and old-fashioned set of morals and standards.   Somewhere over the years these became lost or thrown aside in favour of "if it feels good then do it - never mind who you offend or hurt in the process".

Well, what goes round comes round again and again, and etiquette as it applies to dining out particularly was highlighted in a number of newspapers during this past week.  So how should today's diner fit in with the new Restaurant Etiquette that restaurant proprietors as well as leading chefs are saying should become part of the dining experience?

Well, this is a summary of what the Weekend Australian magazine said on Saturday 23rd April:

1.  If you must take a call on your mobile ask to leave the table and take it outside the restaurant and well out of earshot of diners near windows - even better, switch off your phone before you enter the restaurant.

2.  Ask the chef, waiter or maitre d' if it's OK to photograph the dishes (your meal), and state your intention.  Even newspapers and magazines usually seek permission to shoot a restaurant and its food.

3.  Don't take an iPad, kaptop of DVD player to a restaurant.

4.  Don't check your emails, tweets or Facebook correspondence during a meal, either within view of your fellow diners or on your lap with your apparatus hidden by the tablecloth.


5.  Don't take or make a call in the restaurant bathroom or toilet outside, or any private or public bathroom.

There are obviously many other points (for the simple reason that our very own Ita Buttrose has just written a book on the subject), but when it comes to mobile phones, why do people - mainly women - scream and screech loudly so that everyone knows their business, while at the same time their voices drown out what you might be saying quietly to another person.  Is it that people haven't experimented with their phones to learn how easy it is to almost whisper into a mobile phone and the person you're speaking to will actually hear you!  You don't have to shout!

Easter Sunday

Easter Day   For the Christian, this is one of the most important in our calendars - it is the day that epitimises our entire faith.   Belief in the Resurrection - a day of promise and hope for future days.  

For without the Resurrection, as the scriptures say, our faith would be empty.   But for the Christian who believes the tomb where they laid Christ was empty on that very first Easter Day and that Christ had risen again, this is the time for celebration.   As with the first disciples including Mary Magdalene who was the first to actually see Christ following his resurrection, we stand amazed and in awe of the power of God.

We attended a lovely little service filled with praise this morning - songs that were vibrant and alive with the joy of our faith.   Following that I watched the BBC show Songs of Praise on the ABC  - filmed in Jerusalem and showing many of the places described in the scriptures,  where hundreds of thousands of people flock every year at this time.   Eled Jones sang the beautiful song “Be Still”, which would have touched every viewer’s heart.

Whatever faith you follow (and indeed even if you have no faith that has a name) may your Easter season continue to be one filled with joy.  Be safe.

How can you stay happy and healthy .....

While at the same time you're growing older .....

As we well know, most women very early form a habit of putting everyone else first. When she becomes a mother this is a "natural" habit that very soon becomes a life-style. It stays with her. A consequence of this, though, is that as we grow older, we're often unaware of what activities we can enter into, which will boost our mood, our attitude and immunity. But there are a few things, that even the so-called experts agree on, that will help us through this.

Here are one or two suggestions.

TALK. Bottling up worries or sadness is deeply unhealthy and guaranteed to suppress immunity. If you feel sad, chat with a friend and don't be afraid to cry. Tears are a good way of releasing repressed emotions and stress. If you feel you need more than that, ask your GP to refer you to a professional counsellor.

LISTEN TO MUSIC and/or WATCH SOME FUNNY MODERN/OLD TIME (including ROMANTIC) MOVIES. Countless studies show that both music and laughter are hugely beneficial to health.  Sharing them is better still.   Get out some of your old favourite records, invite a friend around for afternoon tea and set the mood with music playing in the background while you chat.  Funny movies?  Rent a funny DVD, get some friends around and let your humour take over. If you're not really into some of the "modern" humour, why not even drag out of the kid's cartoons/Walt Disney films? Just be a kid again - even if you have grey hair and wrinkles.    Then there are the old favourite movies - Casablanca (Lauren Bacall and Humphtry Bogart); Arabian Nights and Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves (Maria Montez); Captain Blood and Robin Hood (Errol Flynn); the Maltese Falcon (again Humphrey Bogart); The Wicked Lady (Margaret Lockwood, Patricia Roc and James Mason); Phantom of the Opera (Claude Rains);  and let them transport you back to your childhood and youth.   Make sure you have some tissues handy in case a tear or two mists up your eyes.  The main thing is to enjoy yourself and recapture some of the finer memories in your heart.

EAT and DRINK.   In moderation - of course! But then why do we always put limitations on what we should do, especially to relax and recharge our batteries. Seriously though, don't let the fact that just because you might be alone, that you needn't go to the bother of laying the table properly for a meal. Put a small vase of flowers of a specimen rose beside your plate setting, and enjoy a nice wine (even non-alcoholic). Too often we can feel guilty about enjoying ourselves, which is not the way it should be. Tell yourself, I deserve to be pampered and if this means going "all out" as though you were entertaining friends,  then so be it. You'll find it a rewarding experience.

PRAY. Even those with "no-faith" understand the importance of having a special little place in their home such as a small side table with family photos, flowers, a candle, anything that represents beauty and love, that will bring a warm sense of well-being. Those with faith, know the importance and the countless benefits they receive from actually praying or talking with God.

THINK POSITIVE. Hard to at times, but work at it. Never go to sleep fretting over a problem. It achieves nothing. A better idea before going to bed is to concentrate on all the happy (even tiny) events of the day for a few minutes. Avoid negative thoughts at all costs.

Stay away from people who constantly bombard us with doom and gloom. 

Never lose hope. 

Remember, miracles do happen, every day, to ordinary every-day people, like you and me.

(The above photo - Margaret Lockwood and James Mason in "The Wicked Lady")

I couldn't believe my eyes!

Those who have followed RoseMary’s NoteBook© (the newsletter that is) over the past 21 years, know one of our “pet peeves” has been the lack of thought on the manufacturers and suppliers of tee-shirts for the plus-size.

That’s not to say that women haven’t been able to buy tee shirts, but in the main they’ve been high round or crew-neck, which does absolutely nothing (repeat - nothing) for the plus size woman.   There’s been a constant request over the years for something more attractive, particularly v-neck which for some reason or another flatters the more curvaceous bust and neck.

Personally most of our group have been hunting for vee neck tee shirts (or tops made with tee shirt material) for decades and it was only because of having a couple of friends who were wizzes with their sewing machines over that time, that I personally managed to have my own made up.

So when I walked into the local K mart store last week, I couldn’t believe my eyes.   There on .a stand just inside the door were stacks and stacks of tee shirts, in sizes 12 through to 24, and in styles that took in round neck, low round neck, and eureka - v-neck.   The colours ranged from white, grey, pink, red, black, green and blue.  You’ve guessed it, I bought more than one.

A little further into the store there were more tops, still in the tee shirt material, and these were even more attractive in design and styling.   Something that took my eye were the cami style, with strappy straps, and a style that can worn reversed - that is with a low straight across the neckline, or turned around to have sweetheard neckline.   My shopping basket was getting full!  You don’t see this every day of the week!

The reason I mention these is that the price of the tee shirts was $2.50.  The camis were going out at $3.00 and because there was a special "half price" sale going that day, the cost came down to $1.50.   I don’t think I can recall prices for plus-size clothing like that for a long, long time.   No wonder those stacks on the stand were decreasing every minute - women were walking out the door with half a dozen, and sometimes even a dozen of each.

My proposition is this.  Even if this is a one-off by K Mart, it shows that it can be done.  And if it can be done, then why isn’t it done more often?   In fact, why isn't it done all the time?

Excuses from retailers that it costs more to make a plus-size garment doesn’t always gell you know - take a good look at the fabric that goes into a flowing top in tee shirt fabric for a size 10, and then compare that to what goes into a size 24 tee shirt that sits nicely on the body (without being tight and showing off the curves that you prefer to somtimes be a little disguised), and you’ll find there isn’t much difference.  So their argument don’t always hold true, you know.

In the slightly cooler weather that we're experiencing at the moment, these v-neck tee shirts look absolutely terrific under a jacket - there's a sense of being "casual" yet at the same time a little conservative - which matches whatever mood you may be in. 

Bare Arms!

Have you ever looked at a dress in a store window and said to yourself, "I'd love to be able to wear that!" It's not that it isn't available in your size, or in the colour you love, it's simply that it is "sleeveless".

And let's face it, the plus size (or curvaceous woman) doesn't like to bare her arms too often, even in the summer months. Our arms, especially our upper arms (like a lot of other parts of our bodies) seem to do what they like, and often remind us of pelicans spreading their wings in the sunshine.  Arms flip and flap away regardless of how much we try to keep them under control. And when a woman is entering the "growing older" phase then too often her arms become a limb she thinks should be "hidden".

So we go without sleeveless dresses - afraid to take the risk because then we'll find ourselves not ever wearing that dress again for fear of someone laughing at our arms.

Curvaceous women have a lot to contend with. And these feelings of, dare I say it, embarrassment because our bodies aren't trim and taut, affect our self confidence and in turn affect our lives. Because we go without such a lot, when we really needn't.

I like this particular dress from North Style - the styling is nice, the length is great and the flow of the dress is becoming and flattering. The only thing against it is, yes, it's sleeveless.

But wait a minute. Just because we're plus size, does that mean we can't do a little bit of disguising, if we want? Shrugs are not only for the tiny person, they're for all of us. For those who don't quite know what a shrug is, it's a sort of "bolero". And boleros are very attractive. Choose a colour co-ordinated shrug with the colour of your shoes and handbag, wear it over a jewel coloured dress, and you've got a great outfit.

I've seen "boleros" worn by women who are size 2, 6, 18, 24, and 30 and they all looked terrific.

We have to look outside the "blinkers" that we put in place, thinking that they will protect us, when in fact what they're doing is tieing us up in knots.  We've got to learn to be "free".

Photo from www.northstyle.com

Aging Outrageously! - More on aches and pains, moans and groans

(Some more advice from Morgana de Courcy © 2011)

 On the serious side though.

In many of my newsletters I push the idea that women of all ages should pamper themselves occasionally. I don’t think that aging makes any difference to this notion. Women love going to the hairdresser, having their nails polished, having a facial, and even a massage. Head massages are wonderful beauty treatments, and if you walk out of the therapists rooms feeling like a million dollars, then you have every right to do so.  The question arises - what if I don't have much money?  Well - why not suggest "beauty vouchers" from your family members and friends, as your Birthday and/or Christmas gifts?   Quite often these can be purchased in advance which allows you to use them over a period of time.  Then there are many "discount" hairdressers around - much, much cheaper than the usual salons, and if you find you that has good hairdressers on their staff, you'll hardly know the difference between a $35-40 cut and a $10-15 cut.   Again, I know from experience!

I’ve heard of women being told by their families when it comes to any of this pampering business - "why waste the money?" Well let me say to them - where’s the waste? And whose money is it, anyway? They’re most likely only jealous, when it comes down to it.

But what does a “growing older” woman do when she is told she has an unexplained lump somewhere on or in her body? What does she do when she’s told that a certain surgical procedure has high risks for her. Does she keep all this to herself, working herself up into a lather of worry and anxiety, because there’s no one to talk to?

Too often that’s exactly what happens. And that sort of situation is not good - not good at all. Worrying about things like this leads to deep anxiety, and deep anxiety can lead to depression. And depression can lead to a whole lot of other awful scenerios.

Women need women to talk to. And if your family or even friends don’t and won’t listen to you, why not ask someone at your local church or neighborhood house for a referral to a reputable person known to them who will act as a counsellor. Not everyone can afford to pay counsellors, but there’s always the chance of finding someone who does it at “no charge” (even professional counsellors). I speak from experience here.

Then there’s word of mouth. Come on girls, growing older does NOT mean that you hide behind a veil of timidity. You’ve got to step out and help yourself. Even if you’ve always been terribly shy, you’ve just got to step out of the background and ask questions. Networking is one of those things that women find essential over the years - the “growing older” years even moreso. And it’s surprising where you can find out about things - not just from the internet, but from a local point of view, just talking to someone in a coffee shop (share a table occasionally and you’ll get to know someone new as well as find out things!). Talk to one of the shop keepers, especially those that are not rushed about or trying to get you to buy something and to then leave the store. Think - your favourite bookshop proprietor- they know heaps about the local community and local people.

Whatever way you deal with your “growing older” aches and pains and moans and groans, I trust that you will experience the feeling that you are not alone, and that others understand with a personal knowledge, of what you’re going through.   Kindness from another person can often lighten the pain - whether that pain be physical or emotional.